Need to talk

Hi LjmPnl and welcome to our little club. My wife has incurable Leiomyosarcoma but the second load of chemo she had seems to have rendered her cancer stable so we are quite lucky.  The first lot of chemo created all sorts of chaos and had to stop half way through and I ended up close to breaking point.

I ended up doing a living with less stress course that really helped me. Concentrate very much on the here and now and it really helped me enjoy what we have. Plenty of posts on here about pre-grief and that is very real.

The other element of the course that helped was a bit on conscious breathing - great for when life decides just for a change to bring a new challenge to our life.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi there,

im so sorry to hear of everything going on with you and src60. I’m also mentally exhausted and I have anger outbursts now because I’ve bottled things up too long. Not physical but shouting a bit. Then crying and I hate myself for it. 
In the last 18months I’ve lost my dad to cancer, my mum to a tragic accident in the care home that nobody saw or witnessed. It took 7 weeks to funeral last week due to police investigation. No outcome. Nobody cares.can’t even see the police report. 

My best friend died a year ago today with lymphoma and the most acute emotional pain to me is that my partner of 16 years has aggressive stage 4 prostate cancer. i can’t even hide my anger from him. He has bone, lymph and lung mets. I’m heartbroken to say the least. He is my soulmate. 

I can’t wait for the helpline to open at 8am to finally reach out for help for myself. I am on an antidepressant and can keep it together most days but “anticipatory grief” is the worst. How do you cope with it?

I’ve just read this post back to myself and I can’t believe it’s my life I’m writing about. I’ve been lucky up until now but I finally recognise that I’m not a machine and I need help with this. 

sending you so much love too,

Louli

Thank you Steve for talking to me .I hope that the chemo you wife is receiving continues working for a good while and it enables you both to get on with life.

I will look to see if I can find the course you have mentioned locally as I need to be able to center myself as I need to work for financial reasons like all of us which puts even more stress in the pot.

Also as a couple we need to find the tools to enjoy the moments between his chemo treatments

Sending hugs to you both 

Lee 

Hi Louli 

I can totally relate to your emotional battle as like you my Husband is my world.

Thank you for talking to me .It makes us realise we are not alone .

It is difficult sometimes to know what to say or how to feel. because I feel so guilty feeling rubbish mentally when it's my Husband who is ill.we are very honest with each other and talk openly about the situation which does help but I still here myself saying sorry about how I feel .

But as he says to me we are both going through it not just him .

I never thought of my emotions being anticipatory grief .But when thinking about how I feel it does remind me of how I felt after caring for my Dad until he past away .

Yes Louli you are not a machine and we all need help and help from people who are not emotional involved with the family.

Sending love and hugs to and take care

Typing on here can be great, sometimes it helps to form our thoughts and that can be a good thing. At times a real human voice and that connection can be the thing we crave more than anything else. A service open 24/7 that is easy to overlook is the https://www.samaritans.org/ - to quote their page - "Every 10 seconds, Samaritans responds to a call for help. No judgement. No pressure. We're here for anyone who needs someone." and " Whatever you're going through, call us free any time, from any phone, on 116 123."

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thank you so very much the pair of you. I just called my gp for appointment and referral for grief support. Might go private if I can afford it but definitely calling Macmillan this morning.

I will keep you posted but your support has been such a help..

love from Louli x

Thank you Steve for this.1 of my Daughter's have used The Samaritans in the past and found them very supportive.

I have made an appointment with my Doctor and also asked for counseling to hopefully give me and my husband the tools to help cope with the good and bad moments.

Also going to take some time of work to help slow my head down a bit and learn to deal with one thing at a time ,and just be able to be spontaneous on the good days x

Hugs

Lee

Hey LjmPnl, All i can say is its tough but survivable. 2018 saw my mum and my wife both died of Breast Cancer with in 6 weeks of each other, i really had no time to grieve as my dad who was 80 at the time dissolved in to a shadow of his former self and i had to carry him, organise both funerals , work full time and deal with all  the legal stuff for both deaths. It was pants but it kept me busy and focused. Currently Dad has been told he has secondary bowel cancer in his liver, treatment was not a option and he has 10 months to live, he has dementia and wants to stay in his own home, this is a real challenge   i have to say , but again it allows me to focus and i really relate to your head fog and mental tiredness, however adversity always brings the best out in us and you will be surprised how resilient you can be. Might i suggest that you focus your energy on making the most of the time remaining and speak to your employer about reduced or compressed days so that you get as much  time as possible with your husband  Regards Cads

Just to update you. I saw my go this morning and I start telephone grief counselling on 18th if this month. Been started on meds to help me sleep. 
I’ve taken time off work too. So hopefully I will get the time to grieve and regain the strength to be their for my husband. 

lovely group of people you are!

louli x

Hi Cads thank you for sharing your experiences.I can relate to your experience with regards to work as I worked full time while caring for my Dad 5 years ago  with Vascular Dimentia and running a home and when he past away I dealt with his estate etc and working gave  me something to focus on ,as it was one thing that stayed as a constant -normality and allows you to ground yourself for the next day or challenge ahead.

Reducing my hours is an option,but my work has time sensitive reporting which makes it difficult.At the moment I am logging on at all hours just to achieve this which isn't ideal as you never really switch off .

I know working gives a sense of normality ,but starting to feel that I need time to regroup.which in the long run will help me to support my husband.

My husband and I talk a lot about how much things have changed since his diagnosis ie financial, family, friends , just being spontaneous I am starting to realize that there is no hard and fast rule to managing the situation you just have to do what feels right at that point in time x