Feeling we are not coping well

My Dad is 99 years of age and has advanced prostate cancer. He also has asthma, severe hearing loss and short term memory problems. He deteriorated during lockdown (although this was probably nothing to do with lockdown and just a coincidence) and was registered as housebound in late 2020. Deterioration in the last 5 weeks has been dramatic. His mobility is now very poor, he falls regularly and we have had to call the paramedics twice in the last 3 days.

He lives with my 87 year old Mum and the most recent changes have lead to us getting live in care for Dad.  They have both found this hard to accept I think, having someone living in your home is never easy.  He has had several UTIs recently, currently has a chest infection and had a catheter fitted 3 weeks ago. The fact is that 6 weeks ago they were managing with half an hours cleaning 5 times a week and me visiting, doing odd chores, shopping etc., to now needing almost constant care. Mum is reluctant to do anything, even things she was able to do 6 weeks ago like ordering her shopping online have stopped.

To be honest I cannot praise highly enough the help they have received, he has seen two different OTs, physios and has had input this week from the falls unit. The District Nurse visits regularly. Support from the GP has been a bit hit and miss but Dad has had a home visit.

Dad's carer is allowed to get up twice in the night to help him but we feel he needs more now and we are looking at waking nights care. They are able to self fund at the moment fortunately. I have been staying over and sleeping on the floor in their room because he tries to get out of bed in the night. He is usually too wobbly to do this and also has the night bag attached so we have to keep him in bed. He does not sleep well and this is a major issue with him as he panics when he can't get to sleep. He is having a hospital bed delivered on Monday as both OT and physio say his bed is completely unsuitable for him.

We were looking at a care home for both of them, but Dad didn't want to go and Mum changed her mind when we were offered rooms (this was because at this point he was sleeping okay again). Then we get one bad night and it all heads down hill again.

Mum has no patience with him, I'm not sure why, but she has become very selfish and it is all about her now. I don't know if this is the start of some sort of dementia or just her not being able to cope. She criticises everything the carers do, gets cross when health professionals address the carer instead of her and is generally unappreciative of everything that has been done for them. She told me to "shut up" earlier in the week when the falls unit were there.

I feel that none of us are coping very well, I am sometimes surviving on 3 hours sleep a night whilst having to go to work and Mum is still not happy even thought I am staying there in the room with them.

To be honest there are many people in far worse situations than they are, but I appreciate that's not something I can say to Mum. Even in the early hours of this morning when the paramedics were at their house Mum just kept saying we can't go on like this, when Dad had just fallen and had breathing problems because of a chest infection.

I'm not sure what the answer is to be honest. I think we are failing at the moment and even though we have help in place it isn't working mainly because Mum would prefer me to do all  the caring (she says not, but I'm not so sure). She said this morning to my Dad that their cup of tea was late being made because I was just chatting to their carer!

My brother is supportive and arranged the live in care but he lives 30 miles away so is not as immediately available as I am.

I know Mum is likely struggling with the fact that her husband is so ill, but the fact that she is not remotely grateful for any help she is given and is quite honestly downright rude on occasions is difficult to cope with. 

Sorry long post, I wonder if anyone has any advice or has experienced similar?