Hello, new here, so furious I’ve screamed myself hoarse

3.5 years is a long time to be coping with something so dreadful. It's completely understandable that you are feeling the way you do. I hope letting your feelings out on here have helped a little.

It's absolutely normal to feel the way you do in your circumstances,  you are completely overwhelmed.  I'm glad you've found here the freedom to write so honestly,  and we don't know each other,  so that makes it easier.  And no judgement,   no condescending pats on the head.   I understand  how you feel, life is taking a turn in a direction you really dont want to go.  You feel out of control, and that there are no choices.    You are right that your husband health must take priority,   but so must some time out for you.  It might seem impossible,  but its essential.    Pick your battles,  and grab anyone who offers help!     Write again soon,   if you need more cleaning, I've plenty for you x x  god bless x   

Whoa what a fantastic rant. 
Your life sounds complex and full of responsibility. 
My husband is in his final weeks of life. 
I hate everyone and everything. 
I also have a huge garden and big old house. But no goats 

I have begun to imagine a very simple future just to keep myself sane and calm. 
I’m dreading loosing him but he was the one who wanted the big house and the productive garden. 
Im planning to trade down to a tiny simple house and a courtyard garden. I feel privileged to have this option. 
I already miss him as his illness has cut him off from life and he no longer can talk. 
Your anger at having no sex life is understandable. 
I have missed the intimacy with my husband since he became ill. 
however I don’t feel sad about knowing I’ll never have sex again. I’m not sure why I don’t feel sad about it. Perhaps I’m in denial. 
the other day a work colleague said to me ‘ you won’t be alone for long. ‘ I was furious with her. I don’t want to have a new life, I want the one I had and believed I’d have a little longer. I glared at her and she back tracked desperately. Then I said slowly and deliberately ‘ you really don’t have a clue about me or what I’m going through. Can we agree that we no longer speak to one another from this day on. ‘ 

I’m enjoying putting all my anger and hate into hating her. 
I’m ranting now too. It feels good. 
I do hope you get some resolution for your financial woes. 
I hope things can get real between you and your other half. 
hospice nurses are very good at talking to people who may not survive  and you could request they talk things through with him. 
best Wishes 

M 

It really has - thank you for listening and replying x

It’s great to let off steam with people I don’t hurt! Thanks for replying. X

Thanks M! It’s so good to know I’m not alone in these dark feelings though I’m so sorry you’re also going through it and at the very worst bit by the sounds of it - is the final bit the worst bit? I’m interested to hear your thoughts on that. Because I spend a lot of time wondering how I’ll cope with end of life and it seems like it’s the very hardest section but to be honest it’s all bad. Last week we both thought we were going in for news of palliative care - watching him crumble and break down and sob in the waiting room - this strong man who never cries - that honestly has been the worst point so far - to see him face news of death and I have to say not especially bravely or with anything like acceptance. Fortunately it wasn’t that - it was news of more chemo and now he’s gone back to saying he is going to be fine and he’s going to beat it but as you wisely say it would be better for our relationship if things could get real!

I like your daydreaming about the future - how sweet and peaceful that sounds! 

Your channeling hate into your colleague really struck a chord, I do that too but I go further and I imagine horrible things happening to them which then makes me feel I’m an awful person. I’ve become so dark, when people post the “Yay we are cancer free I am leaving this group now” I just snort to myself and think yeah, that won’t last long, it’ll be back. People used to say I have a sweet bubbly personality, ha bloody ha, it’s gone. 

I totally get your feelings about not wanting a new life. Very insensitive remark from your colleague. People say the most stupid and awkward things. 

thank you for sharing these thoughts with me x

I won’t rush my response to your question about the worst bit. To be honest I don’t know. There is a very real peace now in this part. Visitors are turned away. We are just living a quiet life. No hospitals, no drama, no ups and downs. I can’t guarantee that the ending will be pain free or calm but I do hope it will be so. Your question is a thought provoking one.  
I believe  
Positivity is overrated and a modern affliction in our privileged western world in my humble opinion. 
I’m sorry to hear you can get stuck in the muddy back waters of vengeful rumination but I really do identify with you on that one. I don’t feel any guilt at all for holding hate in my mind as I am able to hold a huge amount of love in my heart. You say you’ve had 
three and a half years of treatment and illness and messy bodily stuff which is very very wearing. it is terrible witnessing your husbands sadness and fear. I don’t think I have any wisdom to share about that, other than it’s utter shit and heartbreaking. 
 I have taken great solace in some of the eastern philosophies at the moment which seem much better at thinking about death. Again I don’t have anything clever to impart but I certainly have become better at raging against not being ready to loose him whilst also slowing down and entering his very shut down world. 
By the way menopause is a fantastic opportunity to drop the ‘ sweet, bubbly personality’. Being niiiice is also over rated. 

there is an Asian doctor, Atul Gawande ‘ who wrote a book called 

‘ being mortal ‘ I listened to him speaking on a podcast and I’m so sorry but I can’t remember so I can’t send a link but at one point he said 

‘ avoid omnipotent oncologists, at all costs ‘ this felt such a wise and helpful bit of advice and said so much about the over treatment and over medicalisation of the process of dying. If I am ever to be diagnosed with cancer I will turn down treatment for sure. My family will have to accept that. 
quality of life over quantity is my plan. 
I may return with further thoughts on the worst bit when I’ve considered it further. 
I won’t tell you to take care of yourself as every time someone says that to me I want to punch them in the face. But actually maybe do go do something for yourself ‍

which isn’t cleaning.

M 

Well I did. I joined a gym and whilst there I had fantasies of nipping off with some of the big muscly men who were there - who definitely aren’t my type as I always like the dreamy intellectual ones best - but who would be good medicine for me right now! And I don’t feel one bit guilty about that fantasy and if it becomes a reality then bring it on! Cancer has smashed my marriage vows to little pieces. 

Thank you so much for your honest and deep reply and particularly the thought you give to the very painful question I ask you. For me this is the worst bit - from the moment he failed histology last November - to now. I saw him through an op that was hell on earth. They removed his colon and his anus and they recreated his buttocks from his thigh muscles. They altered his pelvic floor and changed his ileostomy to a colostomy. They told him he would have complications and so he prepared for that surgery as if would be asked to run a marathon, perhaps consequently there were no complications whatsoever but the pain he was in isn’t something I ever want to see again. It was sheer hell to witness. He got through all that and then failed histology and we were told at Christmas the surgeon had no confidence in getting all the tumour out as it was into the bladder and Chris had decided to keep his bladder. At Christmas we still had some hope as the lung and liver metastasis had been chopped out successfully, but now, the whole lot has recurred and hope has long since left me. Living with him torn between the gruff defence of denial or the agony of knowing death is coming is actually torture. I have read that with terminal diagnosis often some acceptance comes and I hope with all my heart some peace comes to him once that diagnosis is given, and acceptance - but he is a bullish, energetic and invincible alpha male and the least likely person ever to get some Eastern acceptance of death, and he has no spirituality whatsoever which makes it all the harder. 

I like the sound of no visitors and an end to the roller coaster. But that is not to take away the solemn awfulness and intensity of what you’re going through, which is actually quite hard for me to imagine and which must call for saintly quantities of patience and unfathomable levels of stoicism in witnessing pain. If there’s a way to turn the empathy button off please tell me!! 

My father died of a heart attack in hospital, a lucky end. He was 84. I’m begging the universe for that sort of end as the death when you know about it seems too much for the mind to comprehend or bear. I don’t know what to say to my husband to make that part any better. I’ll check out the podcast of Atul Gawande, thank you. 

Your decision to not accept treatment if you were diagnosed with cancer is very understandable indeed, and I have wondered if the people who say no have been like us and forced to witness the prolonged torture of modern treatments of cancer play out. Chris has coped amazingly well with all of it but most don’t seem to. For me, it’s been agony but I would pick to go through it all again for the precious and intense joys we’ve also had in the last 3.5 years. Actually, this is the first time for me to think about this point and it makes me feel better - so thank you. It’s bloody awful but in the last 3.5 yrs we’ve done some incredible things too like sleeping in a beautiful cave in Matera and skiing the Weiss ring, riding a motorbike round a Greek island,  him helping me design all the costumes for Fiddler on the Roof and a thousand beautiful meals out, a million incredible memories. Yeah, he’s worth it. Our life together is worth it. 

thank you xx

That’s good to hear and also your reflections as you write seem to prove that just being able to talk openly with others is helpful in itself. 
this forum is great for that. 
M