Coping with diagnosis and symptoms

Hi LauraA

Sorry to hear about your dad, somehow it makes me think of how my dad was - perhaps the "traditional" role than many men feel themselves in and we can be really rotten about talking about things like emotions - even down to the point we end up having a breakdown.

What I had to learn when my wife was diagnosed was how to cope - and I needed help to do that but came pretty close to breaking point before I looked for that.

Looking at Looking after someone with cancer especially the section coping with being a carer and the impact on our emotions - so yes struggling as a carer is very normal - even more so when the patient, who is of course also frustrated does not want the care.

I ended up doing a living with less stress course. It helped me realise that I was worrying about a future I could not control and that blocked me from enjoying the day. I also learned breathing techniques great for coping when things do not go quite like I expected.

What many of us who have been carers for a while discover is the need to carve out some time for us - because if we break who will be left to help then?

<<hugs>>

Steve

Thanks src60 thats useful to hear.

We're now nearly three weeks down the line and unfortunately the news that theres no treatment and the timeline is 6 months. 

I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am the one he will snap at, whether he means it or not. I'm still struggling not to snap back but it is getting less. Why can't I stop myself? Surely if I cared I'd let it go?! 

His moods are certainly still swinging and I just don't know how people cope with them and the uncertainty on what will trigger one to another. Sometimes it feels like there's no trigger, i can have always done something one way, and in one instance it sends him spiralling. 

I know I do need some time for myself, but I dont see how or when, I'm balancing my job and being at home. Whilst my employers has been and is being so supportive and my dad is still semi independent, but we have so much to do and sort out, I cant see the wood through the trees. 

I absolutely love him to bits, but not sure how I'm going to cope if I feel im struggling now. What if I cant cope?

I think I'm rambling/ venting now. I'm trying to stay positive but the frustration and coping is hard. 

Thanks for listening! 

Hi again - venting is good, we are all human but often when we are caring we have to shift into super-person, we can only do that for a little while.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi LauraA

My Mum has recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and she incidentally also has COPD and other things. She's doing OK at the moment.

But what struck a chord with me is your relationship with your father, which sounds similar to me. Dad is 85 and has severe mobility issues, which he's had since birth. But because of his stubborness, he has managed to remain pretty active into his old age. He only gave up his allotment earlier this year! 

I love Dad to bits but he also drives me up the wall for the reasons you state. He snaps at me, is short tempered and always right obviously. :-)  He is struggling to care for Mum and I think is scared of the future without her. And is struggling to accept help, too, though he has no choice. All this is exaccerbated by the almost constant pain he is in because of his ankles.

I admire you so much for living with yiur Dad and supporting him - particularly now with his diagnosis. I am sure that deep down he understands the pressure you are under, and the pain and fear that you are going through now. He also must be scared. This must heighten the snappiness factor for both of you.

To be honest, I don't think that you should worry too much about snapping at him. It sounds like this has always happened, and it may feel odd if suddenly you were always sweetness and light with him. My Dad would certainly find it strange!! But maybe in calmer moments, you could apologise, explain how you are feeling and give hom the opportunity to talk about his feelings, too.

Do see, too, if there are people and organisations locally who can give you - and him - a little respite. You probably both need it. And from what I can tell, it's going to be a difficult road ahead, so you really do need to try and look after yourself and find time for freinds and activities away from work and away from your Dad.

I am so sorry of the awful news about your Dad and the painful time you're going through. I hope things become easier for you both.

peppersmum