Hey, this is going to be hard to write. So i apologize now if it doesn't make sense.
I split from my abusive ex 2.5 years ago. We'd been together for 23 years and have a daughter who's now 23. I met him when i was 18. So i spent my whole shuttle life with him feeling like i want any good or worth anything.
18 months ago i woke up in hospital from a 4.5 week coma. I had covid and it killed me 3 times. They also found i had a large ovarian tumour (non cancerous) that's too big to remove safely. They told me it will kill me at some point but they couldn't tell me when.
As you can imagine this made me look at live differently. So i met an amazing man, with a huge heart who not only cares for me and puts me first, he pushes me to be a better me. And i love him for that!
Christmas Day he ate his dinner at his parents with his 2 teenage boys and it didn't sit right. In the end he threw it up.
We figured it was just too much food and didn't think anything of it.... We were wrong.
Last month he was told he had esophageal cancer and the tumour was above good stomach. He went from reading soft foods, to only drinking. Then last week we were told the cancer is too aggressive and he has 6 months with chemo.
It was devastating. I knew that at 47 and 51 we didn't have a long life together and with my health issues it would be less. But i figured I'd be the one to go first and i thought we'd have more than this!!
This week he was unable to drink so yesterday they fitted a stent to try and push the tumour out the way so he can eat soft foods. It seems to have gone well. But I'm still scared. He's sore and they said it will take a few days to know if it's worked. But i know if it doesn't we're looking at weeks not months.
I'm sure you've all heard this BUT IT'S NOT FAIR! He has such a big heart. I guess too big for this world. As i said my daughter is 23. I've seen her through school, uni, teacher qualifications and now she's about to start her masters degree. His boys are 16 and 14. He not going to see any of that. Plus his 14 year old is autistic. His mother is useless (that's another story!). So my partner is his main carer. I'm not sure how he'll core without his dad.
Sorry this is so long. I've tried talking to my mum about this but i don't like dumping everything on her. My sister and niece cause he enough worries!!! But I'm trying to hold it together to support him but I'm scared.
I've done the crying. My heart broke when they told us. We've gone from planning our future to talking about funerals and hospice care!
I just want to do the right thing for him. Can anyone give me advice? I know everyone is different but any advice would help.
Thank you for reading this. I truly appreciate it.
Vicki
Hi Vicki
Thank you for sharing your story with us, very far from not making sense to everyone in our family but still heartbreaking, some degree of resonance for me since my son is autistic and that can be more than enough of a life lesson.
Perhaps the main thing I know I had to learn was how to look after myself - that "trying to hold it together" bit - easier said than done and family and friends who have not been in the same situation often find talking about cancer too difficult to consider.
If we look at Supporting a family member with cancer we can see the very common sorts of emotions everyone goes through, sometimes it can help to feel a little bit less alone and to just recognise how we are feeling rather than allowing those emotions to overwhelm us.
One thing I struggled with when Janice was diagnosed was how to talk to my son, lots of books talk about cure but we knew her cancer would never be cured. There are however some good books out there such a Secret C: Straight Talking about Cancer by Julie A. Stokes and we even managed to get a copy through our local library.
<<hugs>>
Steve
