Feeling so confused

Feeling so confused tonight.  My mum has Stage 4 breast cancer and today there was positive news.  Her CT scan report was positive and there has been some response to slowing down the spread in the bones.  It's great to know that the hard days of the treatment have been worth it and have given the gift of time.  I feel I have constantly been preparing for the worst news and dark days ahead and now I'm terrified to enjoy this positive news because I won't cope with the next low.  Everyone says how well she looks.  At times I feel like they're suggesting she's not ill as if I should check I heard the doctor correctly.  Am I making any sense? Or just being selfish and ungrateful.  I feel guilty, drained and do I allow us to think about living a bit for now, like normal?  I think I could cry and I should be relieved.  Family are saying you must be so relieved.  But the Cancer is still there 

  • Amanda I know only too well how you feel. I was told my hubby had a limited life span due to kidney cancer with mets. Since he started treatment he is well but, and it’s a big but we know that the time we have is limited because it is incurable. Everyone tells me how well he is, some even suggest the diagnosis is wrong, unfortunately the 3 monthly CT scans show it’s still there. I am thankful the treatment has stopped it’s progress, of course I am, but I sometimes feel a fraud for feeling low because occasionally I think about my future without him and it hurts so much. I try really hard to live for the moment and the time we have now, but that takes a lot of energy which from time to time I just don’t have. So after all that I would like you to know you are not being selfish or ungrateful, you are just a human being trying to find their way through what is a very challenging experience. The unpredictability of cancer can be the hardest thing to live with. Have a good cry if you want, scream if you want, do whatever you need to do to vent your feelings and then enjoy your time with your mum whilst she’s well. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and love Heart️ 

  • Thanks so much for sharing.  I feel very adrift and confused and scared of my own feelings tonight and felt like such a bad person!

  • Nope, you’re definitely not a bad person. Loving someone with cancer provides a rollercoaster of emotions and it’s funny but sometimes the lows are easier to cope with than the ‘highs’, when they are well, scans are stable etc. if you are happy, you feel you shouldn’t feel that way because you know there’s going to be a low round the corner. I just try to live a day at time and enjoy what I can. You will too but it’s still early days for you. This forum is marvellous as many people feel the same and are willing to share and support.  Don’t forget the MacMillan helpline too as they are a great help when you need it most. Although you may feel i, you are not alone. Wishing you all the best 

  • You are completely, totally and 100% normal. Well, if my feelings being exactly the same as yours make us normal anyway! My husband has been through so much over the past 2 years. Operations, ups and downs. Anyone telling me that something was good news and trying to be cheerful made me feel cross and annoyed - was always trying to work out what was wrong with me for not feeling it, but they aren’t going through what you are. It’s cancer. It hasn’t gone away. You’re allowed to feel absolutely everything you feel, completely unconditionally. Always. Sending a hug x

  • Thank you.  Been feeling so confused at myself again today.  Thankful for shared experience here and knowing others feeling the same