Where to begin….

Hi Kir80

a warm welcome to the online community. Sorry to hear about your father's diagnosis.

I'm supporting my husband through his journey. He was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour in Sept 2020. I think in those first few days/weeks/months I went through every emotion in the book and then some.

Whatever you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. There's no right or wrong way to feel and react when we hear about a loved one's diagnosis. It's scary and  overwhelming especially until you know what you're dealing with. Going to pieces is allowed so please don't be too hard on yourself here. 

Be led by what your parents need from you would be my best advice here. Everyone reacts differently and while some folk might want everyone around them, others may prefer to be left alone a bit more to process everything. You know them best so I'm hoping you'll be able to sense what they need from you. Don't feel offended if they need a bit of space.

Can I also suggest that you all write down any questions you might have for the medical team and take those notes with you to any appointments? Those early appointments can feel quite overwhelming and its easy to get caught up in what's being said and you forget to ask the questions you had, The notes will keep you on track. Hopefully covid rules will allow you to accompany them, if that's what they want.

This group is a safe supportive place so please reach out here anytime. There's always someone around who gets it. Someone to hold your hand and offer that virtual hug when its needed. 

It’s always good to talk so please remember you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

To find information covering diagnosis, treatments and pages covering most types of cancers check our Online Information and Support Section. 

For now, stay calm if you can, breathe and try not to focus on the "what ifs" - the unknown is way more scary than the known! I'm sending you all a huge virtual hug. Hang in there. Stay positive.

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Thank you so much for words of advice they are really helpful and really have provided some comfort

I am sorry that you are experiencing this roller coaster too

i will most definitely write down any questions and take that to appointments, a really good bit of advice 

although it’s a rubbish situation and still feeling pretty helpless it is also pretty reassuring that unfortunately we are not alone and there is a wide support system out there

x

Oh it’s so difficult isn’t it?  It’s ok for them to see you are struggling, but yes you will not really be able to go to them for comfort.  If they are trying to stay positive and upbeat, you will need a place you can unload your fears and sadness.  I got a counsellor and it’s been very helpful for me - you might try that.  And of course we are here and all going through the same thing and you cam really share your honest feelings here.

Its a bit easier now that the initial shock has worn off, it’s just now being in the land of limbo not knowing what is happening next! There is a staging scan taking place today and then the MDT meet next week.

I am definitely going to seek out a counsellor as although I have full support from my husband and friends I need to be in hand for my parents and not go to pieces all the time. My mind goes from being super positive (mirroring my father) to places where it probably shouldn’t.

Thank you so much for your replies, simply knowing that I am not alone through this (unfortunately) is providing some comfort right now x 

Hi Kir80

So sorry to hear of your father's diagnosis,  I am in a similar position to you as my parents live with us in an annexe, my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in April and 2 weeks ago after she collapsed found it had also gone to her brain,  she was due to start immunotherapy that option has now gone and we have moved to palliative care.

My mum is being very positive and is grateful that she has time to put things in order, my dad on the other hand has gone to his cave in his head and looks like a frightened rabbit most of the time.

I have found talking to people really helps and not being afraid of saying I am finding this hard.

I have found making notes and lists has helped, the last couple of nights I have written down thoughts and things I need to sort out before I go to bed and have had 2 good nights sleep. 

Vicki x