I was on the journey of being carer for my mum and dad for several years. Dad died first, my mum had been diagnosed with TERMINAL cancer after she had a breast removed and radiotherapy. She was 79 and grieving for my dad. The last year she did really well and stayed OK right up until the last month.
Now I find myself with her youngest sister at 79 going through an almost identical scenario. A operation on her spine to remove as much of the tumour last year, multiple secondaries in her breast, lungs and bones. She has had some treatment - low level chemo tablets and has just been offered a stronger chemo , she doesn't need to make a decision immediately.
No time line has been stated but she was told recently that no treatment will be a cure. So the option is chemo which may make her quite ill or palliative care for however long is needed.
Last week after this meeting with the oncologist - she didn't take in everything that was said so her daughter in law went through it again with her.
It's hard, she is a woman who has always felt the need to be in control, she hasn't even touched on grieving for her husband who only died in November 2021. They were together for 58 years.
What has been difficult for us as a close family is the anger she has been displaying towards us, her friends and the medical profession. I understand, she is very scared.
Last week she confided in me that she would commit suicide when she becomes helpless.
I listened carefully, (I'm a counsellor) and said I understood. At the same time, I am concerned for her son, he's just lost his dad and now this , its hard for all of the family to come to terms with.
It's the anger she is displaying and throwing out at people. As if she is pushing us all away but very obviously needs us as things progress.
I am at a loss to know how to respond or advise when it's so personal to me as one of her carers.
Any advice ?
Hi LynneW
So sorry to read your story, you have had a lot to process yourself and on top of being a counsellor yourself will know how difficult that can be.
IT so good to have someone else in the meetings with the oncologist as it can be an awful lot to take in and the appointments can go by very quickly. Anger is of course a really common emotion in dealing with cancer and one thing we sometimes hear is "it is not fair" - well it isnt.
The how long question is something of a dilemma, the oncologist can make a guess based on averages and data from some time ago but cannot tell how any individual will respond. My wife never wanted one with her cancer and I struggled with that - but nobody could have guessed she would respond in the way she did to the chemo and in her case her cancer has been stable now for about 6 years.
We have a guide on Supporting a family member with cancer that might be helpful to discuss and perhaps come together as her support team - even if it seems she might be pushing you away.
<<hugs>>
Steve
