I’ve wrote before a few months back… my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer in November 21, we were told it had spread to his liver, he’d had no symptoms apart from a cough, we thought it was Covid and did repeated PCR tests which were obviously all negative so he was seen by his gp and then secondary care where he got his diagnosis. Our world was turned upside down, he was 45 had a active job, was very fit and active and did everything for me and his daughter, we were just starting our life up again after Covid, we had only been together over two years on diagnosis and had planned to get married this year, everything was organised. he started chemo, we were told his cancer couldn’t be cured but that they could ‘treat’ it with chemo, this was scary to be told but he was so brave about it, chemo began, few obstacle, after only the 5th cycle he had a bowel obstruction and had a 5 day stay in hospital where he had a stent fitted, we brought our wedding forward which was lovely but the obstruction happened 2 days after our wedding, it was sad being home without him with wedding cards and present everywhere. He is currently on his ‘chemo break’ and I’m scared… he seems to be deteriorating in front of me, he’s becoming very weak and frail and is having some hallucinations, this could be due to the drugs or the liver mets, either way it’s so hard and frightening to watch. He is due to re start chemo early May but his team have agreed to review him this week due to my concerns.
I feel so scared of what I have ahead of me, it truly breaks my heart seeing everything cancer has taken from him, his pride, his strength and now it seems his mobility as well. I thought we would have some quality time for maybe a few years, now I’m so frightened I’m not going to have that luxury.
Morning Bencin
I would still think that the oncologist wouldn't suggest a break at all if the cancer was a concern it this time, even a 6 week one. My husband had a break last year, which his oncologist was more than happy with, he has always suggested quality of life and enjoying time whilst you can but this year when my husband had a scan the growth was quite a big bigger than previous so the oncologist wanted him to carry on with chemo.
He tries to stay as active as he can, he still works from home because he says once he stops for any period of time it is as though his body shuts down and the fatigue takes over. He started on Irinotecan, 5FU and Cetuximab, followed by Oxaliplatin (folox) & 5fU. He his now back on Irinotecan and 5FU, his side effects this time around seem to be different than when he had it in 2020.
The future isn't certain, we don't know what will happen next, my husband has approx 30 nodules on his lungs and has had since 2020, as long as the chemo can keep them under control we have a chance 
Don't be hard on yourself, this effects you too, although in a different way but it's still really difficult. Make as much time together as you can, enjoy the good times, cherish just being together and having this time, even though you will feel like crying most of it.
I work part-time three days a week, which is a welcome relief. Getting away from it makes me stronger and more resilient when we are together because I have had chance to calm down and recharge my own batteries and in doing so I can drag him along with me it I need to
I hope my waffle on has helped, even a little.
Take care
Karen x
