Hello everyone, I'm writing with a question about what the right thing is to do about working whilst your spouse is in treatment? I'm very confused and it would be really helpful to know how others arrange their work lives whilst going through supporting a loved one with cancer? My husband has just been diagnosed with bowel cancer. We've been told he'll have chemo for somewhere between 3 - 6 months beginning in the next few weeks. I'm going through the expected emotional roller coaster. His liver and lungs are clear, and the consultant says he thinks they removed all the visible tumour.
Right now, I'm off from work on full pay so I can tend to things at home and support him. I'm handling the usual food/laundry/comforts of home and also giving him medicine, injections, helping him with walking, listening to his worries, being as good and loving a partner as I can. We do not have any family near by - he's not close to his family and mine are all in another country - so it really comes down to me to do everything.
I work for a large multinational company, and have been off on full pay this past month. But the month is coming to an end and so I'm straining to try to figure out what to do next. I have the option to take time off, with some pay, for up to 6 months. I also have the option to renegotiate my role (lighter duties, more flexible hours). And there are probably other options I haven't thought of. The problem is that I don't know what I want, I don't know what his needs will be in the next phase and what chemo will be like, will he be shattered? Will he need more of me? And furthermore, and I don't know what MY needs will be. I'm terribly upset right now and I need time to look after myself. With all that we're going through, it's not easy to keep my anxiety and worries in check.
Part of me wants to put work aside completely, and be fully available to him for as long as he needs me. I don't really want the stress of my work, it's a very difficult job with lots of challenges and takes a lot out of me. But another part of me wonders if I'll regret making him and his cancer my whole world. Will I feel like I've given up too much? We are both in our late 50s, and were starting to talk about retirement in the next few years, but I get some important benefits from work (like private medical insurance) that I'd prefer to hang on to right now in case he needs it.
Can anyone share how they figured out what to do about work when going through their partner's illness, and whether there's anything you did that was really helpful - or not helpful - when figuring out how to blend work with a seriously ill partner? Anything you regret (or don't regret?) Thank you so much for any insights, I'm lost here and desperate for some clarity.
Hello Rosie
I am sorry to read that your husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer, but it is good to read that he has had all the visible tumour removed and other areas are clear.
With regards to work, this really isn't something that anyone else can decide for you, I think there are many aspects that need to be considered and as you have rightly said, this includes what it is that you need / want.
My husband was diagnosed terminal osophageal cancer back in May 2020, and I was actually at work the day he phoned from the hospital to tell me of his diagnosis, I have been lucky enough to have a flexible working arrangement, starting early or late as needed, and personally found that by doing this I was able to support my husband whilst also maintaning some control in a situation that I otherwise have no control over. My husband, thankfully reacted extremely well to treatment, having very little in the way of side effects and he responded well also and has far surpassed his prognosis.
I am still working, things have become the new "normal" he too has returned to working 3 days a week at home, whilst undergoing treatment every fortnight.
I love my job, and I would drop it in an instance if my husband was to be in a situation where I needed to be with him 24/7, but that is not what is needed now, so I will continue to work.
If your husband is independant it is unlikely that you will be able to be with him whilst he is undergoing treatment (my husband says " you would be bored silly sitting there for 5 or 6 hours waiting for me"
For you, it is earlier days, but none of us know what is around the corner, if you love your job and your husband is independant, see whether you can cope going back a few days a week and slowly increase your hours if everything is good... Only you know what is good for you.
Good Luck with your decision, and to your husband with his treatment
Take Care of both of you
Lowe'
Hi Rosie24
so sorry to hear about all that you are going through.
I'll second what Lowe has said below - hard as it is, you need to decide what's best for you yourself. I'd suggest having a chat with your boss as a first step.
I'm supporting my husband through his stage 4 brain tumour journey. We've known from the outset that his diagnosis was terminal but I have kept working full time so far. Like you I work for a large firm (a bank) but have been able to work from home with only the occasional day in the office. This has given me the flexibility to cover appointments and be there in case he needs me. Work has also kept me focused. I struggle more with the whole thing on days I don't work than I do while at work.
I'm not kidding myself, I know the day will come when I need to step back for a few weeks/months but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Many folk have told me I'm crazy for still working but at the end of the day it's my personal choice. You need to take care of yourself through this journey too. Take the "me time" to recharge your batteries. It's not selfish, it's essential.
sending you a huge virtual hug. Stay strong.
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
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