How do people cope with lack of control?

Hi Dobby

I think there will be many on here who get just what you mean.

I dropped my plates many years ago and walked in to my local Maggies - over about 2 hours and a full box of tissues I cried my problems out.

It can be hard to get inconclusive scans but of course bad news scans might be worse. As for life throwing curve balls - live does seem to like picking on us when we are down.

I did a living with less stress course that helped me work out how to live in the here and now (not as easy as it sounds) and also taught me how to deal with those curveballs when they get thrown with tricks around conscious breathing. Transcendental meditation though just made me laugh.

My wife dealt with the hair loss from chemo by having a head shave - she was in control. It is really important to make sure that your husband can stand chemotherapy and it is worth reflecting that as badly as he might feel the cancer cells likely feel much worse.

Well done for coming on here though and thank you for sharing, together we all help and here we can be honest about we feel.

<<hugs>>

Steve 

Thanks Steve :) Your reply means a lot and i hope your wife is doing ok. I just worry i have to be strong and with it for my husband and my daughter and i feel i am struggling a little already (might be the lack of sleep from worrying mind you!) so how am i going to be when he starts chemo. But you are totally right i need to think about the here and now and not the future so your words really helped put things into perspective. Have a lovely day

1. Hi Dobby,

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. What I am about to say may not be what you want to hear. We are in a very similar position as you.

My husband has secondary cancer. That was November, since then we have been told with different diagnosis. More scans and tests. Bad news and slight better news. Back for more scans and tests before finally we were offered three treatment options. But told the two options that have positive response they don't offer in the city we live in. The hospitals offered the treatments are not taking out-of-area patients. Back to waiting and hoping for more news. It has been going on since November. No treatment so far and prognosis was poor. 

We have good days and bad days. And gone through all sort of emotions. We had time to accept it is what it is since November. But the uncertainty is really hard to deal with. We had two operations cancelled (were told to isolate 10 days before then cancelled the day or two before...). I know my husband wants the doctor to be certain on so many things but I am not sure you can expect them to know everything. Even if they are the expert as we all know cancer can be so tricky and not one treatment/diagnosis suits all. How each patient response is different and unique.

I found knowing we are not not alone (from other fellow carers on this community) really help me. I am in my 40s studying to further my career and working full time, I found focusing on this help most days. Starting your new job maybe a good thing to focus during this uncertain times? We also focus on keeping things as usual for our teenagers as possible help. It feels at least we had a little control of something. I struggle to be the strong one (to reassure my husband we will be fine when the worst happens) all the time. But today I am feeling more towards positive mood. I find positive things and signs to focus on. 

I hope this Online Community can help and support you. Please remember you are not alone. 

All the very best. Hugs