Planning for a future i don't want

Hi Hermes

Oh I feel for you. Money is always such an emotive topic - at least it always has been in our house.

I found myself in a not dissimilar situation 18 months ago when my husband got his stage 4 Glioblastoma diagnosis. The medical team at the time stressed the importance of putting things in order especially  a power of attorney. We talked it through as a family -definitely not the easiest family conference. 

From our experience there are things that can be done with pensions to make life easier and free up  the monetary value ahead of retirement age but you would need to seek financial guidance on that. We did and it will make things simpler when the time comes.

I don't think there's ever a good time for the conversation. At the time we agreed that we would talk about it on a certain day over dinner. When the time came we all had input to things- and then my husband being the control freak he is by nature went off and did his own thing.But the important bit is that he did make arrangements.

It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

I guess you just need to pick your moment and bite the bullet and have the conversation. I'm sure your husband will understand your concerns and fears when you explain it to him.

Sending you love and hugs

Wee me xx

thanks wee me - i am trying little by little to plant the seed that this is really important to me to get resolved ASAP. I'll keep on and i want to be gentle but on the other hand it is a big worry. Powers of attorney have been sorted for a while but we need to re-do wills with our lawyers, and have a conversation with our pensions advisor about the best thing to do. Its also hard as my husband has his own business so there are other conversations going on around its future. Nothing is ever simple is it ? 

i appreciate you responding and i know my husband does understand my fears - its just a matter of acceptance i think. 

love and hugs back at you. 

xx

Hi yes, totally understand your concerns as my husband is in similar circumstances, stage4 distant metastasis..but fairly new diagnosis.

He’s doing all the stuff he wants to do.. obviously because he realises that this is all going to end very soon, unfortunately, like you I’m happy for him to do this but very aware that apart from this being a pretty sad time for me too. 

Im becoming increasingly worried that we still haven’t made our wills even though we’ve known about this situation for over 18 months.. but still feel that it’s too insensitive to talk about it, but can also see that this will be a nightmare for me in the very near future when I’m going to have to deal with all the sadness etc too..

the financial situation, which at present could be quite damaging unless we get things sorted will be a horrible emotional nightmare 

we’ve been married for 43yrs

Oh that is so hard.  My husband also refuses to talk about wills and if anything I feel like he is now thinking we only need money for two more years.  I know that sounds mean but he is in such a psychological state he can really only think about himself.  It would be lovely if it were like others who want to make sure their loved ones will be ok but I just have to accept he is not in that place at all.  I don’t have any advice but I think if the conversation can be removed from cancer some people deal with it better.  Something like “wow- this scare has made me realise I have no idea what to do if you were hit by a car and killed tomorrow.  Could we sit down and go through the accounts and financial standing so I’d know what to do?”  That kind of conversation takes away the sense that you’ve given up on a terminal illness and becomes more practical that anyone could die unexpectedly any day and families need to have a plan.  That can lead to decisions about making sure there are sufficient savings, etc. For example if you do have to move out of the house at least having two years expenses so you don’t have to do an emergency sale and get good value.  And what should happen to his business if he died tomorrow?  That may be a way to encourage planning while keeping it away from fear/hope over his current illness.  And also talking about what would happen if you suddenly died tomorrow in a car crash - making sure he would be ok replacing your income/supports.  Best wishes.

Yes, not good, I’ve almost got to the point of not wanting to address it , but then common sense kicks in and I realise that this will be a complete can of worms if he suddenly dies(which could happen) and we’ve not sorted it. Plus I will be in the worst possible place to deal with it.. there are no close relatives- just daughter who lives in Australia (for over 10 yrs Permanent resident ) what a nightmare!

Thankyou all for your responses - nice to know i'm not alone but equally not nice that this is an additional worry for us all in this position. I am very slowly making progress - the first being, i put my foot down on turning one bedroom into walk-in wardrobes and explained we just need more bedrooms for people to come and stay again - as my husband is using the guest room, i have our room and we have 2 rooms where our boys moved out, plus my little upstairs room. So i ensured the order was cancelled and now we concentrate on emptying one of our son's room properly and making it into another guest room. I was told we needed new carpet - and my response was "I'll get it cleaned, we dont need it to be new". We also have a call with our pensions advisor on Thursday - after that i should have more info as to what to do next. Oh, and new chemo starts on monday so the rollercoaster begins again