I've never really done anything like this and I don't even think what I am about to say is even going to make sense or if I am even a terrible person for thinking it all.
My dad was diagnosed with kidney CA last summer. At first he was so strong facing it all like an absolute beast he was poked and prodded and had needles and wires everywhere and never ever complained once. We found out in Jan that the chemo had not worked as much as they would like and they needed to now try immune therapy - not even really sure what that is - but there was relief there as it was still treatment and not everyone is so lucky.
Now he's taken a turn for the worst and he just seems so unwell and its hit home that if this immune therapy doesn't work then that's it and we wait for the worse to happen.
I'm 23 and an only child. I think 23 sounds like I am an adult but I feel far from it. I feel like I scared little girl that can't believe that this has happened to our family. Does that make me selfish that all I can think is why did this happen?? All I can think about is the milestones he will miss in my life he if he does pass away. He won't give me away or see me have my first child. That is all I can think about and I feel so selfish is this wrong of me?
My poor mum dedicates herself fully to looking after him and I am her main source of support. It is a choice as well as necessary as she is my best friend and I would do anything to make this whole situation easier but again I fear how she will be and how she will cope if this does get worse like we think it will.
I'm not even sure if there is really a point to anything I just wrote out but seeing the response people get on these forums is so overwhelming and amazing - you all are truly amazing - that I thought I will give it a go.
L x
Hi L
a warm welcome to the online community. I'm so sorry to hear about all your family are going through. I can empathise with you here on several levels.
Let's clear one thing up first- you are not selfish. Hearing that a parent, close relative or friend has cancer is a devastating emotional blow. There's no right or wrong way to react so please don't be too hard on yourself.
My husband (then 51) was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour in early Sept 2020. It was a total bolt out of the blue and turned our family upside down overnight. We have two kids (now 22 and 24). The day after he received his diagnosis, my husband still hadn't told them. Our son still stays at home but my daughter, the younger of two, lives 30 miles away. I talked him into telling our son as he had already guessed something was far wrong. a short while later my husband came into the living room and broke down in tears, fretting about all the milestones he was going to miss and the main one was that he'll miss giving our daughter away at her wedding (should she ever get married). It broke my heart.
We told my daughter later that same day. She sobbed like a baby into her dad's chest for ages after he told her.
A few days later she broke down with me, sobbing that he'd never give her away at her wedding, never see her children (should she have any) Another piece broke off my heart as I held her.
As the months have passed, we've all had to accept the situation. It's still a daily rollercoaster of emotions but we're all there for each other.
Putting my wife/mother head on, I am eternally grateful for the support I've had from my kids as I am sure your mum is grateful for your love and support. Be there for each each. Be led by what your dad needs from you too. You'll get each other through this.
I'm also an only child and even now at the age of 51, I still feel as a lost as a wee girl at times. We lost my husband's mother to a brain tumour when we were 23 and it was terrifying. There's memories from then that have lived with me all these years. Yes in many ways you're an adult but when its comes to your parents, you're still a child too.
This group has been a great source of support to me. There's always someone around who gets it, someone to listen and someone to offer a virtual hug and hold your hand when its need.
It’s always good to talk so remember you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.
For now, I'm sending you a huge virtual hug. Stay strong. Stay positive. You're doing so much better here than you think you are. Trust me on that.
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
Oh yes you’re so young and yes you have the right to feel sad and angry and disappointed about the prospect of losing your dad. My dad died when I was 30 but my younger sister was 25. She didn’t get to have her Dad give her away at her wedding and yes it was very sad. Although if anything he was more present in our hearts and surrounding the entire day in a sad but loving way. When it started to rain during her first dance (it was an outdoor wedding) she said it was perfect because there’s a song about rain coming from heaven. My dad also missed seeing my boys growing up and I was sad because he was a wonderful grandfather to my other nieces and nephews. But my boys know who their grandpa is and his stories which I keep alive for him. I felt cheated with my dad dying so young (and for him it was a sudden heart attack- no warning). I was so sad at his funeral I didn’t think I could bear the pain of missing him at special events. But now it is better and it is bittersweet…Yes still bitter but sweet memories too. All best wishes for the coming months. 
