Struggling / guilt

Hi Southy,

So sorry to hear about your Mum. My husband also has lung cancer (plus others). He was diagnosed last March and I gave up work at the end of November to look after him. I work for the nhs and god bless em have had this time off at full pay. My gp was great- can you go to your boss and explain what the situation is and see if there is a way you can temporarily reduce your hours? Say for 6 months- so you can support your family. Maybe work 20 hours and see how you do there. That way maybe you can give your parents the other 10 hours of your time. 

I hear how difficult this all is. 

We are all here and good listeners. 

Take care- make sure to find some small simple pleasures for yourself. 

T.

hi - i really feel for you and completely understand. Does your employer know your situation ? I am very lucky in that i am able to work whatever hours i can / want to / need to whilst supporting my husband. I have just been asked to let people know it anything needs handing over to someone else - quite difficult as i have a specialist role but so many people are being supportive at work.  When i get overwhelmed and can't concentrate i just switch off - and have developed a plan around dealing with immediate work priorities only. 

I also got antidepressants from my GP and i know i could get signed off but like you i would feel guilty - i did take a week as leave last week and the break was wonderful so perhaps that could be another option. i know though that looking after myself is important so i can look after my husband so when i need to i wont hesitate on asking for the GP to support that. 

For the first time since my husband was diagnosed as stage 4 last December i actually went for a pamper session yesterday - in work time - and that was a great help for me and positive as i had the energy to do it - which i have been struggling with a lot - due to stress I am sure. 

Do whatever you need to so you can look after yourself and your family - and remember work would replace you but you cant replace your mum. 

xx

Thank you for replying and I’m really sorry to hear about your husband.

The NHS really are amazing! I’m pleased you’ve managed to have some time off together. 

I’ve spoken to my manager today and she said they’d happily look at my hours again if inbred to reduce them (which we can’t afford - we’ve got 3 children and it would be very tight financially if I worked less). I felt listened to and much happier today. 

After talking to my mum and dad, I think I’ll stick to my hours for now but will definitely speak to the GP if things get tough, as soon work in education and would receive full pay.

I guess I just felt torn because I’m trying to make a good impression having not been there very long - but as my manager said, if I’m struggling, I’m no use!

I am very thankful for this forum and appreciate you taking time to listen.

xx

Thank you for replying- I’m very sorry to hear about your husband. Cancer is such a cruel illness - one of those that I never expected to affect our family.

Yes, my employer is aware of mum - I had to tell them before I’d even started because things were all up in the air and we thought I’d need time off for taking her to chemo sessions but sadly she was already too poorly to have any treatment.

My manager told me the same as you just did, when she checked in today: that I need to look after myself and also not be afraid of showing my emotions in front of my kids. 

It’s half term next week, so I’ll have some time with mum and will just see how I feel - but HR also said that being signed off could be an option.

 Thank you once again - I’m so glad I found this forum!

Take care xx

I have just joined this group , my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2018 .

we have been on such a roller coaster over the last four years , every 3 months wondering if this is the month the cancer is back . 

the recent scan yet again more tumours on the brain and he agin is going to have radiotherapy . 

this time around I am struggling with the news , my husband seems so positive and coped with whatever treatment he has had so well , he is even still working

i am so down I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything , I just worry about him all the time , I ask loads of questions when we see the consultant , sort out his appointments and since the brain tumours started drive everywhere . 

I feel so guilty for not being so upbeat I just struggle to get through every day . 

I work full time , my employer is amazing letting me have paid time off whenever I need it . 

Yes I am torn between work and caring for my husband.  I realised I wasn’t coping as well as I thought when something happened at work and I broke down in tears.  I do not get paid for time off so that’s a consideration too.  When my husband first got his diagnosis and had his first operation, I took a month off (holiday and leave without pay).  I didn’t want to have any regrets of not being there for him.  So that was the right thing.  Work was brilliant but as I said I don’t get paid if I don’t work.  Now I feel more torn as it’s never quite enough for him or quite enough for work, but it’s better than quitting my job.  Try to think a year ahead and “no regrets “ what will you wish then you had done?  Then do it….