Support for carers after bereavement

I supported a relative through 8 months from first GP appointment through to the night before their death. I was completely unprepared for what this would mean and how effected I would be. I spent most nights researching what I should be doing, questions I needed to ask, symptoms to watch out for etc and never acknowledged my feelings until they died. The death and weeks leading up to it were horrible and I spent a night in A&E and 6 weeks of at home end of life care that really took its toll on me. I often think about what more I should’ve done, how things should’ve been different and how more prepared I should have been.

A couple of months later I realised how much I was struggling. Although I was logging into my computer to work, nothing was getting done and I spent the days thinking about what had happened, crying and wishing that someone would reach out to see how I was. Eventually I gained enough strength to ring my GP who said this was normal but prescribed some medication to take away the physical symptoms I was getting like nausea, palpitations and panic attacks. 

6 months down the line and I don’t feel any different. Nighttime’s are the worst and when I’m trying to get to sleep memories of the last year or so come into my mind, tears roll down my cheeks and I have to do something else to try and take my mind back to wanting sleep. When sleep does come, I often have dreams about my relative which can be distressing.

I’d love some advice from other carers if they have experienced anything like this, and what they did because I really want to feel better and happy again