Coping with my grief

Hi shawc1981,

When does it start to get easier?

Sadly, there is no single answer to this, sweetheart.

In the same way that every cancer sufferers and every cancer carers journey is absolutely unique, so to is grief.

My late wife passed away on 23/7/2019 and the first 12 months were pretty dreadful. I became withdrawn and sullen, willingly isolating myself from life. I felt I had no right to ever feel happy again and couldn't see what sort of future I would ever have without my darling. I felt I had failed her.

In my worst moments, I wondered how bad would it actually be if I just gave up. Luckily, the mere thought of putting my sons, their wives and my precious grandchildren through the same pain I was currently feeling was worse than whatever stupidity I was thinking of.

When I finally talked with my youngest son about how I felt I had failed Marg and how I felt I should have done more, he came up with a simple logical exercise for me to do. He asked me to write down everything (everything little thing) I did for her on a day-to-day basis. As it was still fresh in my mind, I was able to hastily scribble down my 2 page long day-to-day caring routine. Andrew then pointed out that since my caring routine, towards the end, started at 4:30AM and ended at 1:30AM (excluding any night-time "incidents"), and I only got 24 hours each day like every one else, how could I possibly have done more? I don't think he realized the full extent of Marg's caring needs.

The more we looked at the list, the more I realized that her passing was not my fault - it was bloody cancer. Overnight, the focus of my loathing turned from myself to cancer (where it rightly belonged) and I found that the list (now framed in my hallway) showed that I did whatever I could to support, comfort and care for my darling. I now look back with enormous pride on how I cared for her. 

This was the beginning of me adjusting to my grief and my life without her. For me, it was a gradual process. There was no lightbulb moment, no epiphany. Just a gradual acceptance of the truth. I still carry my grief around with me, but I've found that the more I let life in, the less grief wants to sit in the drivers seat. I don't want the rest of my life to be defined by widowhood, cancer and grief. I don't want that and Marg would be horrified if I let that happen (I do wonder what an ethereal kick in the pants would feel like though).

The best advice I was given was to not focus on how to live my life without her, but to learn to live my life with the love she left behind. Her memory deserves nothing less.

Never forget that there is honour and pride in caring. You've done the job that no-one else could, or would. You were there at the beginning and you were there at the end. And his love still lives within you.

If I can offer you any advice it would be, "Be kind to yourself".

I pray that someday soon you wake with sleep, instead of teardrops, in your eyes.

Peace and light,
Ewen :-)

Hi Ewen,

That's a beautiful message. Having lost my husband in May of 2018, I can agree with everything you've described here. I, too, used to think that I could have done more or could have done better, and all the memories of times when I had been grumpy, impatient, annoyed, etc. with my husband were at the forefront of my mind and tormenting me a lot. But, after a couple of months, and through talking it through with family and friends over and over, I realised that I had done an excellent job, especially given that it had been my soul mate I had been caring for, all the time trying to cope with my own grief. It is not what I wanted to live my life without Paul, but I have to do my best.

Lots of love, Mel

Hi Mel,

I'm sure Paul knew he couldn't have had better care, comfort and support.

I'm glad that you're now realizing it too (Carers are, as Del Amitri said, "Always to last to know" LOL).

I hope you're having better days now and are continuing to move forward., ;-)

Peace,
Ewen :-)

Hi Ewen,

Yes I really and truly feel I have moved forward in my life knowing that Paul was the best thing that ever happened to me, sometimes missing him more than at other times, always feeling him with me in my heart, and realising that Paul wanted me to move forward with my own life which is what I am doing to the best of my ability. I am still living in our house in Bray, at the east coast of Ireland. I am going to work as holistic therapist and build up the business more and more as time goes on. I have found friends with whom I socialise, I have even joined MeetUp groups for running and walking. I have written a book about my experience as carer and young widow. I know Paul would be happy with all of that. How are you getting on?

Love Mel X

I think that having read both your replies it is obviously going to take time. I’m having a better day today and I know there will be many more better days to come. I’m so sad, I’m so cross with him for leaving me but rationally with cancer for being such a life altering shit. The physical pain he went through and the mental pain we’ve gone through as a family and will continue to come to terms with is unbearable. I am proud of him for never giving up as he promised me he wouldn’t. I’m proud of myself and I think he would be too for never giving up either in my quest to look after him, care for him and our children and today, I rationally look at my moments of grumpiness, his moments of grumpiness and think- yes, it wasn’t easy for either of us but we tried our best every minute of every day. Onwards, slowly onwards. I’m not moving on as I will never forget him and move away from that. Thanks for both of your words of wisdom. I wish you both peace and strength too. 

I think that having read both your replies it is obviously going to take time. I’m having a better day today and I know there will be many more better days to come. I’m so sad, I’m so cross with him for leaving me but rationally with cancer for being such a life altering shit. The physical pain he went through and the mental pain we’ve gone through as a family and will continue to come to terms with is unbearable. I am proud of him for never giving up as he promised me he wouldn’t. I’m proud of myself and I think he would be too for never giving up either in my quest to look after him, care for him and our children and today, I rationally look at my moments of grumpiness, his moments of grumpiness and think- yes, it wasn’t easy for either of us but we tried our best every minute of every day. Onwards, slowly onwards. I’m not moving on as I will never forget him and move away from that. Thanks for both of your words of wisdom. I wish you both peace and strength too. 

Hey Mel,

I'm doing mostly OK-ish.

Most days I'm fine, but every now and again, I'll see something and think "I must remember to tell ...". Or a woman wearing Joop perfume will walk past and the merest whiff of Margs only perfume does my head in.

It's the little things that trip me up but it was all the little things that we loved about each other. In a funny way, I don't think I'll ever be able to get rid of those little things because I don't want to get rid of the little things.

@shawc1981, apologies for "hijacking" your topic. I tried to message Mel but she isn't set up to receive messages from non-friends. Mea culpa.

Ewen :-)