Which one of us is nuts?

Hi there,

I can imagine how confusing this must be for you. It's a very difficult situation to be in for sure. I think you were probably right when you spoke about "denial" in your message. The psyche is a wonderful protector; and when something is too painful for us to face, when it makes us too afraid or too upset, we can deny the truth and no-one and nothing can make us face the facts until, one day, it hits us - like it was this morning when he suddenly said that he felt he was dying. I would imagine that your husband is actually very honest with you and that it really feels like this to him: most of the time he is sure that he'll be okay and, at other times like this morning, he is aware of the fact that he is dying but then, very quickly, goes back into denial again because this is a safer place to be - or at least it feels like that to him.

When my husband was terminal with prostate cancer that had spread to the liver, he went between saying that he knew the end was near and saying that of course he was not going to die and that he would be "right as rain again soon" for weeks. It was very confusing. 

Lots of love and strength to you, Mel.

Hi both,

I remember a time on here where a carer was totally upset when a doctor came to their house and told their loved one they were dying. Sometimes of course it might be worth reflecting on that old point that we are all sure about is death and taxes.

When I did a living with less stress course one of the key messages I got was to try to keep focus on the here and now rather than what ifs and all the rest.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Dear Both,

I agree with it all I spose. 

Not sure what's going on really. One step forward I spose. Here and now can also feel pretty darn bleak. This morning we had a massive fight- but it's okay now. His brain is mashed up with the meds. The fight did lead to a necessary heart to heart- but still he said that until I had said that they had caught it pretty late- he had thought he had a chance. Ugh. It's on me. I can't imagine feeling more upset and anxious and uncomfortable and just generally miserable really. And that's just ME- nothing to do with him and all that he must be experiencing. This morning he said he knows he is dying. 

I am so sad and burnt out really. 

Thanks so much for listening- and sharing.

T.

Hi Mama T, I hear you!

My husband isn't so much in denial but he has his head in the sand all the time. He was given a terminal diagnosis on Sept 2020 ( Brain tumour). We were told at the time he had 12-15 months.( they ran out in Nov 2021) We then got letters that were needed for his employer that said he wasn't expected to live for 12 months from that point (March 2021) He's still physically very fit. Mentally he's slipping and is now like someone with early stage dementia.

However his perception of how he is and our perception of the reality of how he is no longer match. He keeps saying he's fine. While I have to admire his positive attitude it's now bordering on a tad dangerous. He's booked a skiing holiday to France for the middle of March with our daughter. There is no talking sense into him about it. I've had some harsh words with her about the risks and how will she cope it heaven forbid something happens while they are aware.

He's entered the Manchester marathon in April and swears he has a personal best time in him still.

Over dinner this evening he said he had put an entry in for a half marathon in London. When I asked what date the race was he said October. ... I just bit my tongue.

He's content in his wee fantasy bubble. Who am I to burst it? 

It is so incredibly hard though so I really feel for you. Hang in there, You're doing great here.

love n hugs

Wee me xx