My mom (57) has recently been diagnosed with small cell lung cancer that has spread to her lymphs and liver. The doctor's have emphasised that the next steps are 'controlling' the disease, so we'll likely be beginning palliative treatment soon as she is reluctant to undergo chemo if it means suffering for just a few more years of life. I understand, and will support her decision, no matter how hard.
Right now, it's just me (25) and my mom, and it's been that way for a while. I'm her primary carer and fortunately, can work from home. The diagnosis has happened all very quickly and it feels like her condition is deteriorating with each passing day; so much so I don't want to go to sleep or wake up for fear of what the next day will bring. She's still coherent and able to move about, but we've had a number of wobbles that have required the ambulance or urgent visits to the GP to check vitals. I can't drive, so there's added stress when it comes to shopping, doctor appointments, and vet visits. It's a lot and I'm aware of the strain it takes/will take on me so try to keep a balance of carer duties and looking after myself. A lot of the times I feel helpless, especially when my Mom breaks down and just wants her own parents and brother, who unfortunately, live halfway across the world and cannot travel due to age/COVID/financial constraints/work (the list goes on and on). I've reached out to my own support systems and sometimes it helps, but mostly it just makes me feel even lonelier, and all I keep thinking is who will I have when my mom dies?
Some days I feel brave and am able to offer my mom comfort and support, and it may be a bit messed up, but I even imagine life after she's gone and try to hold onto the feeling that I'll be okay. That it will hurt and I will grieve but eventually it will get easier. Other days, it feels too big and I get so overwhelmed that I can't breath. I don't know if it's pre-grief - I've been lucky enough to never had a close relative die, so have no idea what to expect. But now it's happening. My mom has cancer and she will be not be here for long, and the idea of her just ceasing to exist - that I will never see her again - I just can't comprehend it. I imagine all the big events that she won't be there for, the words she won't be able to say to me, the comfort I won't have when the world get a little too loud. In those moments, life doesn't feel real and I don't feel like I have a place in it. It comes in waves and I try to let the emotions flow in both grief and overwhelming love.
I am so grateful for having her as my mom and so scared of what is to come.
Hi ,
So sorry to hear about your mom, she sounds like a very wonderful lady.
I have been there in the pre-grief and came close to breaking down myself. Then I started to talk - a found myself doing a living with less stress course. I came to realise that nobody really knows what tomorrow holds and someone struck home when I recently went to the funeral of a friend who was younger than I am; the celebrant there said that grief is the price we pay for love and that really struck a cord with me. A second key on the course I found useful was conscious breathing - life seems to love throwing curveballs while we are down and we have seen quite a few of them on our journey.
One thing you can rely on - as long as you need us we will be here.
Whatever happens in the future your mum will always hold a special place in your heart. I know mind does and I am really happy that my parents wedding photograph hangs happily in our house.
<<hugs>>
Steve
