Really struggling

Hi Bella_2020

So sorry to read your story and I really feel for you. I do not see any moaning above just someone who is doing their absolute best and it is not enough.

Do you have a carers assessment in place? If not perhaps it might be helpful to talk to your GP about how you are feeling. Your children need you and making yourself ill is not helpful - having been there myself I get that.

Would it be worth ringing the helpline here too, they may be able to provide some direction in the way of getting help for you all and at least it will be a human voice, they are really good and sometimes just letting things out can help.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Steve, thank you for your response. No I don’t have a carers assessment in place, we don’t have any support and haven’t spoken to anyone except family (up until now). I have been wanting to post on here for a while as no one else really knows what I am going through, but got worried in case my husband seen my post and got angry with me. I try so hard to keep the peace all the time.

We asked the GP a while back about getting help but they never got back to us. I will try again as can’t go on like this and you are right I should call and speak to someone. I am also worried about my son as he is at a difficult age at the moment anyway, he seems very down but will not talk to me about how he feels.

You need some help Bella2020, for yourself, your children and also for your husband.. You are all going through your own, but different kinds of hell right now and I'm afraid poorly as he is and angry as he is, his behaviour is not acceptable.  Talking to someone totally independent could be a massive benefit for you all.  Someone outside of the immediate situation may be able to help your husband to find a way to channel his anger in a different direction.  I hope things improve for you all

Thanks for your response. I finally admitted to a friend yesterday how I was feeling and I had a total breakdown, everything I had been holding in came flooding out. It was a relief to be honest but she is worried about me and insists I see a doctor.

I’ve been so focussed on making sure my husband is okay, trying to ignore things to get as much peace as I can that I hadn't realise how much it was affecting me mentally. Whenever I did think I was feeling ill myself I would feel guilty for doing so when he’s in so much pain. Also I’ve thought of leaving so many times and again I feel guilty. He apologies, is okay for a while then something else triggers him. I can come in from work to an outburst and I’ve been out all day, or even get emails at work telling me I don’t care about him!

I did leave for a short while last year as couldn’t take anymore (but went back when he apologised). My son told me not to go back, he thought it was better we were apart. That broke my heart hearing him say that. His exact words were just cause dad has cancer it doesn’t give him the right to treat you like this.

You are right we do all need help. It took me a while to build up to posting on here but I’m glad I’m did. 

I'm glad you did too Bella and I'm glad you have such a good friend who is giving you great advice.  Unfortunately, sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can start to climb up again, but you can do this.  Your son sounds like a good lad too.  It can be hard for our children to be objective and not take sides, but he knows what he sees.  Spouses are sometimes like little children, they are perfect angels everywhere they go and with everyone but you, but get them behind their own front door and they turn into perfect little monsters.  A Health Visitor once told me that that type of behaviour was good in it's own way as they were acting out in an environment and with people that they felt safe in and with and they were just pushing the boundaries.  That's fine to a point, but there have to be boundaries and everyone needs to know what and where they are.  Easy words, but try not to feel guilty Bella, nobody has the right to destroy you x

Hi Bella. Do you have a Maggie's anywhere near you? It's a great place to drop in and just have a cup of tea with somebody who wants to talk to you, about you...anything. It's also worth looking at The Swallows Charity website. They have a dedicated 24 hour helpline where you get to talk to a real person. They have local centres dotted about and really strong carer's support focused on just the sort of thing you are going through.

SWALLOWS

I remember when I was diagnosed and going through treatment there were days I was horrid to my husband. I was frightened, felt cheated and resentful that the world carried on around me and I KNEW there was no way he actually understood how I felt. However. I have no right to expect him to understand and share my pain. We all walk our own paths. The fact that his is not mine is not his fault....nor mine really. It's just what it is.

Please find time , quality time, for yourself. You are actually more important than he is, especially to your son and your friends. 

Hugs xx

Thanks Dani. There is a Maggies a bit of a distance away but I will definitely look into going to speak to someone. Having finally admitted how low I am and telling my doctor I’ve now been signed off work. As gazcata said I needed to hit bottom before I realised how badly I needed help. Going to try take some time to get my head sorted. Hoping things improve soon.

Hi Bella.  So glad that you have talked to your GP and that you are going to take some time off work.  We are only human and that head space is essential for us all, but sometimes we just don't seem to have the time to make room for it.  Hope you are feeling a little better.  Like Dani, I too would soundly recommend a visit to a Maggies if you can.  They are just amazing people.  They have mopped me up a few times