Just wanted to say hi and confirm that this cancer journey is my husband’s (initial diagnosis just before Christmas, chemo & radiotherapy start today) and I’m finding I’m struggling to cope keeping all the balls in the air (dealing with the fallout from my husbands diagnosis, treatment appointments, maintaining normality for our daughter, working full time). I’ve always considered myself to be mentally strong and resilient but this has knocked me for six.
Doesn’t help that I feel my husband is excluding me (not maliciously but still) and I feel discarded in preference of his mother, who seems to be pushing in to his treatment and insisting she go along, when he’s told me previously he wanted to go alone.
For the first time ever I’ve had to tell my boss this morning that I wasn’t coping well and take the rest of the day off sick. Tears start without warning but are somehow worse when my daughter is at school probably because I know I can let it go a little, and she’s not around to see and question.
Didn’t know about these forums, only found them today when looking for support, so I’m hopeful I can get the support I need to remain strong for my husband.
Hi Daf1974
a warm welcome to you. I found this community about 16 months ago when I was flung headlong into a similar situation as you. Its a rollercoaster of emotions for all involved and nothing prepares you for it.
Like you, I'm supporting my husband on his cancer journey. He was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour in Sept 2020 out of the blue. Within a short whirlwind 3 week period we went from being ready to throttle each other after 5 months of working from home together during the first lockdown to facing the fact that he had had brain surgery and that the long range forecast wasn't great. We have two kids (21 and 24 now). Like you I work full time. Trying to juggle everything- my husband's situation, the kids reactions to it , my own reactions to it and work was a challenge... it still is.
Ironically a few weeks before I had delivered a training session at work on resilience. Now I really was practising what I'd preached! First off though, don't beat yourself up about this. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are going through an emotional journey here too and all these emotions are natural. Resilient folk cry- it's a sign of strength and it shows you're not bottling the emotions up to either deny or get angry about them (Although anger can be a release too) I cried oceans in those early months.
My husband is a fitness freak and stubbornly independent. He sees this journey as his and can't or won't understand the emotional impact the situation has on everyone else. Men! He tried to be Mr Independent about his appointments especially during his 6 weeks of chemo/radiotherapy and hard as it was, I recognised that I had to let him (within reason). We finally reached a compromise when it became obvious that he couldn't navigate his way to his out patient twice weekly clinic appointments (he can only follow simple instructions since his surgery, can barely read and gets easily confused) and once there, couldn't remember what he was told. Eventually he relented and conceded that I needed to be there.
Everyone is different. Be led by what your husband needs and wants, even if you don't necessarily agree with him, as it could be his way of coping with things. I was spared the mother-in-law support(interference) as unfortunately mine passed away a long time ago, weirdly enough from a primary brain tumour (Drs have assured us its just co-incidence and not genetic).
For me, the key to coping on a day to day basis is to ensure I get a few minutes to myself. That might just be a walk round the block after work, or half an hour of yoga before everyone else gets up - just a little uninterrupted me time to recharge the batteries. I have also found journaling to be a great help. Once you see the words written down, it helps release the emotions and can remove some of the fear from them too. Taking time for yourself isn't selfish, its essential.
Friends and family try their best too but they don't always "get it" and that's where I have found this group a great source of support. Everyone on here "gets it" and there's always someone around to listen, offer some words of wisdom and a virtual hug when its needed. It’s always good to talk so remember you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.
I hope some of this has helped a little. It's a rough ride but trust me, you are doing so much better than you give yourself credit for. Sending you a huge virtual hug. Stay strong. Stay positive.
love n hugs
Wee me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
