Hello
I am not very tech knowledgeable! But just reading some posts has made me feel so much better! I really thought I was the only person on earth feeling like this.
My partner has bladder cancer which has spread to the lymph nodes. He’s just started round four of chemo.
We’ve only been together for 2yrs and 3 months. We moved in together because of covid etc. He gave up work after a TIA in May then got diagnosed in September with cancer . I’ve worked throughout as a carer in a nursing home.
just feel my world is so small now. I know that’s selfish but I am so scared of the bad moods, tempers and constant criticism of my personality. I know I am so fortunate it’s not me going through it and I know I should be one hundred percent for him but….I am so tired all the time. I wake up in dread! I look at the calendar and panic and then do all my shifts (nights) and want to be sick I am so tired. He has four kids , they send gifts and message constantly but they’re not here! I have three kids who I barely communicate with as I honestly don’t have time . It’s so unfair , my kids are worried about me but feel shut out by this . His kids are very sympathetic but are carrying on their normal lives as I am here doing the care. Sorry for moaning and being so selfish but sometimes I think I’ll hit the wall as I am so tired and ground down .
Hi Elephant21 and welcome to one of the best clubs around that we all wish nobody ever needed to join.
Bess you for the work your do - and I do not hear you moaning at all nor are you selfish. We all need someone like us sometime to not feel alone. Giving 100% to anyone else however would make anyone tired and worn down. If we look at Your feelings when someone has cancer we can see how common our feelings are but perhaps importantly the idea of remembering to look after ourselves. I learnt this a bit of the hard way before I reached out for help.
Have you had a needs assessment for your partner and a carers assessment for you. I guess you are probably use to the former because of working as a carer but perhaps you might be less familiar with the latter. One of the useful things is to get your caring role on your medical record and it might be helpful to contact carers uk too. My employer has just joined as a member and they are really good on trying to make sure carers get support in the workplace. Interestingly one of their earliest members was the NHS.
Perhaps you could see if this children would like to be a bit more supportive to give you some space - they might feel reluctant if they feel you are coping and not wanting to interfere. I know when my dad was ill my sisters who were doing the majority of the care asked me to cover so they could both have a day off and still that is a very treasured day to me - spent most of the day watching TV with my parents - Only Fools and Horses being one of dads favourites and still hear his laughter.
One thing some of our friends say to us is "how do you cope?" - perhaps the expect us to lie down and the floor and cry - well sometimes I do cry but then tomorrow is another day and we will keep going.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Thanks for the reply Steve, I feel better since I discovered the forum .
I really thought I was going a little mad but couldn’t work out how everyone else in my position just seems to cope with a smile. Now I think I realise not everyone is smiling all of the time.
I love my job and ironically deal with end of life but it’s in a much more expected situation.
Think there’s a lot of denial with me about the future and I am sure that’s a safety net!
It’s been a relief to come on here and hear how people cope . The centre my partner is attending has Maggies and I’ve been invited to go along for a chat . But I’ve not gone as I am worried I’ll start ranting and they’ll throw me out! I just think I sound mean spirited all the time . And moany 
I love our local Maggies. The first time I even went I think I cried/talked for about a hour and probably the best part of a box of tissues too.
The centre in Oxford used to be a battered green portacabin that leaked terrible, now we have a beautiful building modelled on a tree house but the same fantastic staff inside.
<<huigs>>
Steve
Oh thanks Steve
maybe I’ll go along then (I’ll take lots of tissues!) I just don’t want to use up anyone’s time to be honest. We’re in between treatments at the moment , so have a week without anything (end of third cycle of chemo) Just waiting on scan on 21st.
Hope you and yours are alright and your weekend has been restful.
thanks again
Elaine 
