Leaving

Oh, Strugglin, I hear you. Any cancer journey is a rough ride for all involved. 

My own husband has a terminal brain tumour and the world is "all about him". I know he's going through a hell I can only begin to imagine but he has zero comprehension of the effects its having on those around him. 

On  the days when I feel like screaming and running away, or curling up into a ball and crying my eyes out, I get myself outdoors. I go for  walk. I take some time just to be on my own. I journal a lot which helps to get the feeling out of my system. 

Some days are easier than others and I hope later today or tomorrow you feel a bit easier about things. This group is a great source of support as everyone on here gets it. It’s always good to talk so remember you can call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

For now though, I'm sending you a huge virtual hug. You're coping so much better here than you realise. Stay strong. Stay safe

love n hugs

Wee me xx

Dear Strugglin,

I TOTALLY get where you're coming from. I spend whole days being resentful and others feeling guilty. Sometimes it's only minutes in between both emotions. I know he is sorry to have me doing all of this for him. And I also KNOW I cannot do this forever. I work for the NHS and god bless them- I can have 6 months off to look after him at full pay! I have now had to take time off to do just that as he needs me to bring him all meds and food and well, just handle it all. He's on so many drugs- and in so much shocking endless pain with it in 5 places in his bones- along with lungs, adrenals and kidneys. Poor so n so to be sure- but AND I feel so guilty even thinking "what about me?" I just want to know if and when this is all over- will I recharge and ever look and feel like myself again? 

I get it. I write down significant things. I have joined CALM- the app and listen to a meditation every evening before bed. Sometimes I fall asleep and sometimes I make it through. Walking the dogs in the fields help a lot. Other than that it's seemingly endless cooking and dishes and doctor calls and trips to get meds or the hospital etc...yatta yatta- YAWN. 

Does anyone else get tired with the stress?

Love and hope, 

T.

Thanks for replying..sort of helps I'm not the only one feeling this way  xx hope your ok 

I am so tired with it..im a comfort eater, so am growing and hating me to!!

I resent, hurt, hate, love,laugh...just so confused  .

Morning, 

My time for coffee and a little me time before being a waitress, nurse, cook, dishwasher, cleaner, sounding board and general dogs body (yet the dogs have it better!) I bought a notebook so I can try to find simple moments of joy to acknowledge throughout the day....hard sometimes. What's on your list for today (other than the boring monotonous or heart wrenching things)? Can you think of anything "fun"? The weather doesn't help. 

T.

At the moment I appear to be 2 people, happy smile on outside and curling up in pain inside.

Even my one joy of walking the dog is hell now..he is brilliant with my partner but with me has become a nightmare.

I really feel we aren't going to make it..or rather I'm not.

Sorry doom and gloom

Hey- 

yeah well I was thinking how much I sounded like Polly Positive to you earlier which can also be really F-ing annoying! I SOOOOO get where you're coming from. Your hound may be picking up on the vibes- so sensitive. We have two pups and one will not leave his side- Nurse Tilly we call her. And in his steroid period (when he wasn't sleeping and spending wayyyy too much money on Marketplace on things we don't need) he came in and showed me the phone saying "Take a look at the newest member of the family".....he got us a PUPPY!!!!!!%&%&^*&^*&!!!! and I wasn't strong enough to say NOOOOOOOOOOO. I have never been a dog person really- but now I had no choice. So all of a sudden I had a "baby" who was completely dependent on me 24/7. He eventually said that since he was pretty sure he was gonna pop his clogs- he wanted me to have something to love. Yeah okay. I love him now- but it's still a pretty big ask!

I have days where I just KNOW I physically cannot do this forever. I also wonder if when its all over- will I ever recharge and look like my old self again? It's def the hardest thing I have ever been through- and we aren't the ones with the disease! SO of course we need to remain saint like at all times. But I say Bollocks to that- would there ever be a time when you could talk to him about your feelings? I have gotten some counselling now and so has our 20 year old daughter. He doesn't believe in it for himself YET has just now accessed the holistic care plan they are making for him. SO I'm pleased at that- there must be questions they have that we can't answer and things to discuss they don't want to talk about with their families-?

Hang in there- 

T.

I am at a similar position . 
every night I cry from unknown truth of what future may unfold. 
I am reaching to an unbearable stage.

Yeah me too- getting harder definitely. Not sure how we go on. He is getting weaker and weaker yet still seems to not feel he's on his way out. I find that part difficult cause to me- he is fading. And as my partner I want to talk to him about this- but cannot as this almost Peter Pan attitude is how he is coping. I'm not very well. I can't think of anything I WANT to do- only have toos. Will we recharge and rejuvenate when this "is all over" which makes me feel so guilty to say or even feel. But I do. Will I rise like the pheonix or always have this worried sad slump and look on me? Hardest thing ever. Love to anyone who's reading this- 

T.

Hey 

I think u are fair to feel the way u feel.

I can’t say do this , do that or think certain ways . Cuz we know what living around cancer can do to our minds . It stirs out mind and make sure all types of feelings are affected by it . 
it’s crazy to think even. 

keep this in ur mind 

“ time is your only Allie “.

trust time and get through this .

you will rejuvenate with time perhaps life will be better than ever . Everything is happening for a reason . 
I am sure ur partner would want u to be happy no matter what. 

talk to me anytime