I’m not ready to lose my mum

Hi Rockinghorse,

I was rather nearer the age of your mum when I lost mine and I still was not ready. Cancer however does tend to bring home to many the sense you talk of about pre-grief and that can block us from appreciating what we have.

One thing on your side is your mother - she seems a great role model - lots of carers see the patient just getting on with life and sometimes we stand in wonder, however really there is not much choice in the matter.

It is my wife who has cancer, though we have been on this path for so long now we have managed to find "living with" rather than "dying from" - but it was not easy. I did a living with less stress course that really helped me appreciate what we have now. The breathing exercises were great too for when life throws a curveball at us.

I find my emotions are much closer to the surface than before, weepy films really get to me but nowdays I accept tears as just being the love overflowing.

You are not at all pathetic, just struggling - been there done that, together we can find a way - there is no choice really.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Not pathetic in the slightest, RockingHorse. She is your mum, no justification needed for your upset.

My wife has recently been diagnosed as terminal and as well as coping with my own tornado of emotions I have my two adult children to consider. They are 24 and 27 and should not be losing their Mum so young, she is 53. We have had some very emotional moments in the last few days and we have had to remind ourselves that, at the moment, she is still here, so the pre-grief that Steve mentions above strikes a chord with me. I think any parent would want to make this horrible situation as "easy" as possible for their kids. My wife wants the kids to be involved in her end of life plans to give them a sense of "doing what mum would have wanted" when the inevitable happens. I don't know if this is the right thing or not but I think that is the point, no one does and we are all making this up as we go along. 

Hi Rockinghorse. You're in a very similar boat to me. I'm 28 and my mum has advanced ovarian cancer. She's always been my rock, but recently it feels a bit like we're each others. It's bloody tough. I too experience pre grief and then guilt for feeling that way & not enjoying the time with mum. I want to spend every moment I can with her, but she wants me to live my life. You're not pathetic at all and I know exactly how you're feeling. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 

Hi ,

Just wanted to leave a reply . I came on here looking for some stories from people going through the same as me . My mum has stage 4 terminal lung cancer . She had one round of chemotherapy but it me her so poorly she refused anymore . She was diagnosed a year ago almost to the day. I spent the whole of last year grieving even though she is still here. Everytime we reached a milestone like a bthday, Mothers day etc i had this awful feeling it would be our last together. I love my Mum so much as most of us do. She is my best friend and my biggest supporter and I am struggling to imagine mplace in a world without her in it I have always struggled with mental health ( mainly anxiety) but after the diagnosis I ended up severely depressed and I am now on medication for this which has helped a little . I am currently off work sick due to the affect it has had on me personally and I am also now my mums full time carer . She is starting pallative radiotherapy next week to try and slow down growth as it is now growing . I had a really rocky relationship with my mum when I was young we wasn't close at all. In fact we didn't talk for a few years when I was in my teens . Im now 43 and my mum is in her 70's. Im finding the whole thing incredibly tough. Im struggling financially due to not working and im finding been a carer really emotionally tough. I feel so selfish for even thinking about my feelings in all this as it is my mum who is facing up to loosing her life . Im going through so many emotions its like a constant roller coaster.  Sadness, anger, resentment , dread , fear ... you name it im feeling it . I just wanted to let you know you're not alone . I read your post and could totally relate to how you are feeling. Sometimes it just helps to know you're not alone as caring and preparing to loose someone you love so much can be such a lonely and emotional head space . It good to share feelings sometimes even just writing this reply has helped release some of the thoughts spinning around my head . Im sending love to you and thoughts to your family and I hope this message helps you feel a little less alone. It is so hard I never ever thought something could be so life changing and so incredibly emotionally painful. 

Xx

This is my story too.  My mum is just 67 and her breast cancer has returned after 12 years and is Stage 4 and has spread to spine, ribs.  It has progessed so so rapidly.  I know I am going to lose her and I just don't know how I'm going to cope.  I don't know how I will keep my Daddy afloat.  My mum is also just keeping going.  But I see what it's doing to her and how she's struggling.  I just don't know how to explain how I feel.  I'm an only child.  I feel so guilty when my mind races ahead to what life will mean without her.  She's my best friend.  It's breaking my heart

Pathetic …. No not at all lovely x I just want to scream at my husband “ please don’t leave me “ the pain is unbearable please don’t ever think you’re pathetic xxx