Not too sure where to start.... :
Two weeks ago my husband was given months to around a year, it all depends on how well he receives small doses of a palliative cocktail of chemo.
He's been ill for quite a while, mainly with his heart, and at one time I had to ring 999 when his BP went so low he collapsed (I'm still getting flashbacks). It's taken quite a while with many highs and lows to get to his now prognosis, although when we got the prognosis it didn't all together come as a shock, though being told was rather shocking.
Six months ago we set the ball rolling to move from our retirement adventure of navigating the inland waterways in our narrowboat, to settling down in a new house. Our 5 year waterways adventure had to come to an end. At the beginning of September we moved into our new house in a new area where we don't know anyone, we had moored in this area in our boat and thought it would be a nice place to settle. We were hoping to explore, join different activities and clubs, and make new friends. This obviously isn't meant to be as my husband has been too ill to venture out.
Since we moved I've had to learn how to put up curtain rails, shelves, and all other things that normally my husband would do. Even our king-sized bed was moved upstairs all by myself. Thank goodness mattresses arrive rolled up in a box these days, and the bed was flat packed so I could take it upstairs bit by bit. Basically I did the moving, made things like curtains and flat packed furniture, while at the same time keeping up with the shopping, laundry, cooking, and running my husband to and from different tests.
Driving has always been the domain of my husband, therefore after 25 years of marriage I've had to relearn how to drive as my husband can no longer drive, he gave up voluntarily as he knew he wasn't able to concentrate as well as he should.
Life is just one long learning curve..... nothing is easy any more.
As for my health... after an A&E dash to the hospital due to a problematic kidney stone, a stent was inserted. This should have been removed after 6 weeks, some 6 months ago! Plus I've recently failed one of those bowel cancer tests, and I've deferred having a colectomy until life (whatever state that will be) is more stable. I couldn't possibly leave my husband for even half a day while I spend a day having tests. I've cancelled 3 dental appointments since COVID as we've needed to shield, I've a broken front tooth (thanks to biting a raw carrot) and I've lost two fillings which are now starting to niggle. I've also got a heart problem; discovered during an assessment to have the above stent removed, it's a problem I was probably born with, but as I'm getting older (I'm now 68) the problem needs to be monitored
I know I should be pushing to get my medical problems sorted, but if I don't have my husband, then what's the use of prolonging my life with all the pain? How on earth would we cope if I need interventions? I'm the one that now needs to take the strain!
Looking toward the future feels like a betrayal to my husband. I should be preparing and planning our new garden, joining local activities, but it feels so wrong to even think about the future without my husband.
It's a sticky mess, and I'm not sure I've got the will to climb out of it.
There's also this stubborn streak, I'm fiercely independent and it's difficult for me to ask for help.
Putting this down in writing has enabled me to clarify quite a few thoughts, I need to own my personal problems and not shove them to the back of a proverbial cupboard.
