My dear mum of 77 was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer with mets to lungs in May and given a prognosis of 2-3 months, having previously been extremely fit and active. She was very poorly on discharge having had sepsis and came to live with us. She has been amazing and is now stable and enjoying a good quality of life. She had an ERCP stent but did not want palliative chemo. I feel so sad for mum and she is my absolute priority. We have always had such a close relationship and I was absolutely devastated. Hubby was very supportive while she was in hospital and for the first couple of months. However as she is now stable (and outwardly she looks extremely well, her only symptoms being tiredness and weakness), he says he can't live with her any more and he will have to leave if she doesn't go back home. Its almost as if there was a timeline on his support - 2-3 months was ok but as she is thankfully still here now he wants his own life back. I know none of this is ideal and hubby feels like he's lost his life and no privacy. None of us asked for this. Its just me and hubby in our home - it's not huge, but we manage and we have been together 30 years. I feel he is extremely selfish and I will not abandon mum. She is reliant on me for everything and has found this extremely difficult being previously so independent. Hubby and me do get time on our own at least once a week when our daughter looks after mum for us. I don't want mum upset and have kept this from her. I have reassured mum we're on this journey together and we always will be. I'm an only child. My hubby says he's ill with depression and its all mine and mum's fault! I have tried to help him and make time for us, but I feel torn apart and it's all too much. I'm just trying to keep things normal for mum. I feel I could cope with him not here as he doesn't support me in any way - no housework, shopping, cleaning, caring etc, but trying to protect mum as I don't want her to think it's her fault. Mum feels safe here with me. Bless her, she's so vulnerable and doesn't want to go back home. I know our time is limited and we're on borrowed time and just want to make the most of however long we've got together.
Hi Izzy21
So sorry to read your story, it is perhaps more common than many might like to admit as it is easy to think "it is only for a couple of months" and can be one of the downsides of getting a prognosis. In this circumstance it is easy to see how someone could become depressed, though that can be less than helpful too.
It seems you are being pulled in multiple directions and I might guess your mum recognizes this too, as much as we try to protect those we love they see what is happening.
Have your mum had a needs assessment, and a carers assessment for you? It might be possible to get in some more support to get everyone a little more chance to recharge.
<<hugs>>
Steve
