Hi All. I am so glad I found this group. My husband was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer two months ago, and it's been so tough. Our GP practice has been unhelpful, with many delays in even getting a blood test and passing on information etc., which has exacerbated the problem. My husband is by nature a really negative and untrusting person, and he has no faith in the doctors, even the multidisciplinary team that's dealing with the cancer. I have found them helpful and willing to do their best, but I don't think my husband is willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. He's always been very impatient, and doesn't listen when someone gives him information - and of course because of the terrible shock of the whole experience, he finds it hard to take things in, I go to all the appointments, of course, and have to mediate between him and the doctors, if you know what I mean.
I know this is part of my role, and I am happy to do as much as I can, but his dependence on me is scary. It is exhausting to be the optimist and to hold the positivity for someone who has always been suspicious and believed in worst case scenarios. I have to keep strong, keep repeating all the positive information we have been given amongst all the scary news. I have to keep reassuring him and being emotionally available 24/7. He gives everyone my phone number so they phone me instead of him; I have to open all the medical letters; I have had to tell everyone about his cancer including his own side of the family.
He keeps telling me that I am strong and he is too weak to cope with all this, and that he appreciates that I am there for him. I love him and am glad to support him, but it feels terrifying to be so absolutely responsible for everything, including dealing with the struggles of our adult children, and keeping my worries and concerns to myself. My strength was gained through adversity when I was gang-raped in my own home 20 years ago. I had to cope with it all on my own as we emigrated soon after that, with very young children, and no support. I worked hard at surviving well, and I achieved that. My husband was unsupportive and emotionally unavailable to me. I know he loves me, but he wasn;t there for me, and many times made it worse for me with his impatience, blaming and anger. So while I am glad that he feels he can depend on me now at the worst time in his life, I must admit to moments of resentment every now and then when I remember that he wasn;t there for me in my time of need.
How do you deal with these conflicting feelings, and all the terrifying challenges of cancer? I have read so many stories of strong and wonderful people on this forum. I am so glad i found this site
Hi and welcome to the club we hope nobody ever joins.
If I had a penny for every time I have heard the "I have to be strong" - well probably Macmillan would never have to have another coffee morning.
I have cried, I have been on the floor and some marvellous person - often a total stranger - has picked me up dusted me down and tomorrow as they say is another day.
It is so easy to catastrophise - I know I did, but then I did a living with less stress course. It helped me realise that I had to learn to live more in the here and now because I was much better at imagining horrors to come than happened in practice. Sometimes of course life just decides to send us a curveball - I was taught some conscious breathing techniques that helped step back - take a deep breath before coming forward again. Transcendental mediation though did not really work for me.
It we look at Your feelings when someone has cancer we can see just how common the feelings you have been talking about are - and perhaps that can help us feel just a little bit less alone.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Thanks so much, Bothwings. You too. Yes it is very helpful to know it’s not just me… I often feel bad I’m not able to do more or that I don’t have a story-book relationship, so it’s helpful to get other similar experiences. However I also realised tonight I need to stop complaining and pull myself up by my bootstraps. I thank God that really I’m very blessed and I don’t want to be the brat feeling bad when so many have it worse. I don’t have a spouse who can carry me emotionally but I think I’m being a bit of child. I need to take better care of myself to stay resilient and tbh I haven’t been eating well or exercising or taking care of myself. So my resolution is to start-tomorrow. So many of us go through so much… I think we all deserve a special medal! 
