I don’t really know why I’m posting, maybe it’ll be therapeutic, I just feel tonight my usual calm self is slowly disappearing.
My husband was diagnosed with colorectal, nearly 3 years ago. He’s had all the various chemo treatments, radiotherapy, surgery, etc and none of them worked, so he was referred to the local hospice for pain management. Since the 26th of August , when he suddenly became incontinent, it’s been one thing after another. On the 2nd of September he was rushed into hospital, he was delirious, dehydrated and his kidney was operating at >9%, normally, it should be> 90%, and I had the DNR conversation with the doctor but he pulled through, 1week later he was home, he had a catheter and oral antibiotics. He was still acting a bit weird but after the stress of what he had been through, I thought it was understandable.
They changed his meds from morphine to oxycodone, initially, he was on too low a dose but then it started to settle down and he became more comfortable and started to eat well. He had lost so much weight, about 2 stones in 3 months, he was always slim and at 6’3” it really showed and it upsets him. Then on Saturday 25th Sept, I had to call another ambulance, suddenly he went from wanting a cup of coffee after dinner to shaking uncontrollably, his numbers suggested sepsis and he was taken in, given Iv antibiotics and again recovered sufficiently to come home on Tuesday 28th with oral antibiotics. It’s been hard, at nearly 70, I struggle with his sleep pattern. He’s waking off and on all night, lights and radio on at 5am, tv at 6am, he wants cups of tea and his cereal 7, so he can take his meds. I’ve had to move into guest bedroom across the hall, I just needed some sleep but use a child monitor so I can hear him.
Today he blew his nose so hard, it started to bleed, he’s on blood thinners, we’ve been through this before but they lowered the dose, so it’s not happened for a while, it took nearly 50 mins for it to stop and has left him with a clot in his left nostril acting like a plug. No matter how many times I told him not to touch, he just wouldn’t listen, I actually find him quite childlike at moments like that, no common sense, I told him if he carried on it would start again, which would mean another A&E visit, his nose packed etc. Still wouldn’t listen. I rung community nurses, no response so rang Gp, when he rang us, pretty much repeated what I’d said, and added that if it starts again, don’t wait longer than 20 mins, then just go to A&E. I know I’ll stay in my clothes, so I’m ready to go, another sleepless night.
But here’s the thing, when he talks to me, he’s become very unpleasant, like a mean Victor Meldrew, doesn’t seem to care about what he says to me or the impact. Yes, I know everyone will say it’s the cancer but how are we as carers suppose to cope. Thankfully so far, I have no health issues, well apart from lack of sleep and stress, how does everyone else cope.
Rant over…apologies x
HI Budge
oh I just want to give you a huge hug...then make you a cup of tea and let you enjoy it in peace.
I can empathise with you here. My husband received a terminal brain tumour diagnosis in Sept 2020. He's only 52 and is still really physically fit. He's a marathon runner. His tumour though impacted the part of his brain that controls speech, language and understanding. He struggles to read more than a few words and his eyesight was impacted by the surgery so doesn't see too well. Behaviour wise, he can be like a over tired unruly toddler with dementia. He gets quite moody and can make Victor Meldrew seem like a lovely mild-mannered man.
It's tough to live with some days...i get it. Maybe its the cancer; maybe they're just turning into cranky old men...who knows!
I hope today's been an easier day for you and that you've managed to take some time to look after yourself. It's important to try to grab some "me time" so that you can recharge your batteries.
Please also remember Macmillan Support Services also offer lots of information, support, financial guidance or just someone to listen. It’s free to call 0808 808 0000. Most services are available 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week. Have a look by Clicking here to see what is available. We also have our Ask an Expert section, but do allow two to three working days for replies from our expert team.
Sending you a huge virtual hug. Hang in there.
love n hugs
Wee me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
