I miss our long walks together

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My husband is bedridden with a brain tumour. He isn’t worried that he is unable to stand or walk. I miss our outings together. Last September we visited a seaside resort for the day and walked nearly 15 miles. This was 10 months before being diagnosed with a brain tumour. We had no idea. He didn’t have any symptoms. 

Now I am his carer. Things are so different.

  • Oh how I feel for you, this is one of the things that I missed most too when my husband lost a good deal of his mobility very shortly after diagnosis. It came at us out of the blue as well due to pressure from a tumour on his spine and bone pain in his hip. Going for a good walk to get out and wind down from working at home was a pleasure that we could no longer manage.

     It’s so cruel how lives change so quickly, I’m not sure if this makes any sense but caring for my husband has the easiest but at the same time hardest thing.  Even when it was hard and he lacked energy to get up we still talked to each other and stayed honest about what we felt and found comfort in the small things like just sitting on the sofa or the bed holding hands which I think helped us both. 

    Try not to be too hard on yourself, make some time for you, even if it’s a quiet 20 minutes with a cup of tea. 

    You will find all the strength you need, even if you don’t think you have it, you will x

  • Thank you for being so kind and helpful We have been getting lots of phone calls from family and friends. Yesterday a neighbour brought us some lovely pears from her garden. It the little gestures that mean a lot.

  • Hi. 
    The missed walks are the thing I miss the most too. We’ve always had two weeks in the Lake District around this time of year and its really hitting home that we will never be doing that again. I even managed to get my hubby up Helvellyn once (he’s scared of heights so it was a biggie for him)

     Everyone keeps telling me that I’m so strong and doing amazing but that’s because they can’t see all the thoughts that are swimming around in my head and the tears that fall when I know that no one will see them. 

    My hubby has  gone from being able to walk for miles at a good pace to now being able to manage maybe a very slow amble for about ten minutes about twice a week and it’s heartbreaking. 
    We are still trying to enjoy the little moments but life is very bitter sweet now. 

  • Oh that’s so sad. Know exactly how you are feeling. When was your husband diagnosed? 
    I wish I could cry, at the moment I don’t know how I am feeling. I know I am on automatic pilot and doing all the things that need to be done. Like you I am told I am doing a good job, but sometimes it isn’t enough.

  • Hi StellaStella3

    He was originally diagnosed in 2019 and had radiotherapy and hormone therapy. The prognosis was good and they were aiming to cure him In January 2020 he had follow up tests and the results were amazing - he was in the clear and just having to have just 6 monthly checks. Fast forward 8 months (delayed 2 months due to the Covid pandemic  ) and the results were not good. After having the tests repeated several times (in case they were wrong due to infection) in January this year we were told it was back with a vengeance and had spread to his lungs, liver, spine, ribs and lymphs and was no longer curable. He had 8 sessions of chemo but after good results initially in July we were told it had stopped working and nothing more they can do - other than pain management. He’s now going downhill fast and developed blood clots in his lungs, the cancer is spreading (it’s definitely in his bladder) and is anaemic (third blood transfusion now needed. 
    I know what you mean about not knowing how you feel - that’s how I am most of the time but then something will trigger it 
    I’m sure  your tears will come and when they do just let them flow. It’s a hard thing to get your head around. I’m glad to hear you’re getting support from friends and family. You’re right - it is the little things. 

  • So sorry to hear that your husband’s cancer has returned it must be such a difficult time for you. I will say a little prayer for you both. 
    I am hoping that I do get the tears just to release some of this pent up energy.

    I am going to take our granddaughter out soon I haven’t seen her for a while.

    I hope you have a lovely weekend . 

  • Great minds think alike. I have claimed our two year old grandson today. He’s like  a breath of fresh air. 
    hope you have a lovely time with your granddaughter 

    x

  • Aww how lovely. I hope you have the most amazing time with your grandson. I had a lovely afternoon. Then I have to come back to reality, and am greeted by my hubby needing a change of pad as he is incontinent now. I really appreciate my little break.

  • Unfortunately we soon have to come back to reality but the little breaks make it possible to keep going. 
    X

  • We are in exactly the same position, we walked 2 miles everyday after work and long walks on holidays, then BOOM! Hubbie out of nowhere paralysed and diagnosed with a glioma not sure which one yet.  
    life has been snatched from us , emotions all over the place, emotions I’ve never had before . 
    I don’t know how to cope with this feeling of devastation