Shut out and Ignored by Wife

Hi

You are more than welcome to join our community, though so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.

It might help if we start looking at your feelings when someone has cancer as it can help us focus on our own emotions. I know when my wife was first diagnosed I struggled with my emotions especially as she never wanted a prognosis and we had a young son I felt I needed to know.

I also know the delights of a lack of sleep, it rapidly becomes a problem and affects all parts of our lives. In my case add to that work related stress. I asked my GP for some help in this and he prescribed eco-therapy - chiefly going for a walk, preferably somewhere with trees.

I did a living with less stress course with Maggies and it really helped me. Focus on the here and now, breathing exercises to cope with the unexpected.

Post on here whenever and together we can support each other but remember the other options such at helpline are available to you as much as anyone else.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Steve,

thank you for the reply.  I will look at the links you set over the next couple of days.

I have tried a number of things to relax or wear me out and help me sleep, the doctors suggested a sleeping tablet, but nothing works so I’m just working on getting what rest I can right now.

I would love to have the answers or some invite into what she is thinking, but all she tells me is that she does not know, and then continues to treat me with complete disregard.  Some days I can let it pass over me, others it’s severely harder to cope with. even today it’s like nothing but what she wants to do is important, and I really am trying to support her through it all but not at the expense of the children’s feelings.  It’s just difficult knowing where to draw the line, without coming across as the bad guy.

Hi, I'm so sorry for what you are both going through and totally understand how you are feeling.  I wish I knew the answers.

My partner of 20 years was given a terminal diagnosis 2 years ago.  However,  having immunotherapy and being on steroids has really helped him and he leads an active life,  enjoying his hobbies etc. The problem is that he almost has a split personality now.  He is fine with everyone apart from me.  He has totally removed himself from our relationship,  curses and swears at me on a daily basis and tells me that I'm stupid and horrible.  He doesn't talk to me, unless he has something he wants me to do for him. 

I'm still here, caring for him and running the house, as well as going to work.   It is badly affecting me and it does make me feel ill.  I wish someone could tell me why he's like this and what I can do about it. 

The reason I'm writing this to you is to let you know that you are not alone.  Look after yourself and hopefully someone will be able to help us.

I’m so sorry Judi and Wolf - what an awful situation to be going through, on top of everything else. My husband can be grumpy and even a bit mean, but it’s occasional and I know he’s really grateful for what I do (whilst finding it hard to be the one needing help). I have no advice or anything useful to say other than to offer sympathy and hope something changes - could you persuade them into some counselling?

Thank you for your kindness Amanda278. I really appreciate it.  My partner enjoyed his visits from the Macmillan nurse when he was first diagnosed but they signed him off because although he is terminally ill, with the immunotherapy he is “well”.  I have asked several times for help but he has to call them to ask for help and of course, he won’t do that.  

Hi judi,

thanks for the reply, I am really sorry you are going through it too, knowing how it makes me feel I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

sadly like you I’m searching for answers between work, looking after my wife and the house and kids.  It’s started to impact me badly now, but I’m thankful that I am at least aware how bad it is affecting me so know where I need to ask for help.  

it is like a split personality, I’m fortunate my wife is at least not swearing at me, but keeps telling me everything is wrong.  Yet whenever she talks to anyone else it’s like there is nothing wrong. But a couple of weeks ago she said if I died tomorrow it wouldn’t really bother her.  Things like that really hit hard when less than a few weeks ago it was different.

I hope you are looking after yourself too, despite what is happening and how much our partners need our help, we need to ensure we take time for ourselves to relax and recharge.

Hi Amanda,

thanks for the message, I’ve tried to get my wife to speak to someone, anyone that might help. She just brushed it off and hasn’t bothered.  She has a couple of friends we met through support groups for our daughter who has ADHD, who have had cancer and reached out to her.  She said she would go and meet up with them at some point but seems more interested in sitting at home reading her books.  

I spoke to the Macmillan team at the hospital but sadly unless she asks to see them, they can’t do much but pop round and say hi.  Even while I’m sat typing this she has gone around to the garden and is on the phone to the neighbour rather than spending time with me, or even talking.  Sadly this is pushing me into a choice between doing what is best for the children and her, a choice I never expected to have to ever make, and no matter which way I go I lose something. 

Oh so sorry to hear this.  It sounds like she has become completely unreasonable and now you need to focus on yourself and your children.  I think having a cancer diagnosis is life-altering and can bring out all kinds of personality traits.  It causes bitterness and helplessness… sometimes the bitterness causes the patient to be incredibly mean to those closest to them - you try to help and they just get irritated and annoyed.  And yet with others they are charming and idealist…with their helplessness they suddenly work extra hard to be nice and appealing to strangers.   It can be very painful.  I have had to work hard to accept my partner’s unreasonableness while trying to still be the supportive person that I can respect.  And trying to make sure the kids are ok.  Frankly sometimes a separate bedroom is a relief to us both.  

Hi jumpy, 

sounds like you are having similar issues too. Part of me hoped I wasn’t the only one, so I could make some sense of it, but another part didn’t want anyone else to be having the same issues.  I really sorry to hear that you are, it’s not an easy place to be that’s for sure.

like you I’m trying to be there for whatever she needs, but it’s like being the home help and not the husband who is trying to help where he can. Started decorating some of the house to freshen up the front room for her, but have decided that I’m just needing to concentrate on the kids and work.  

My wife moved into the spare room within a week, and has been there since.  I find sleeping in my own room a little double sided, like you I find it an escape where I can just try to reset after each day, but I hate sleeping alone, so used to her being there it’s unsettling.