Feeling sorry for myself

Hi, so sorry you're feeling so down. 

I go through phases of feeling really sorry for myself as well and you need to know that sometimes it's ok to be selfish. You are dealing with being a primary carer for your family as well as dealing with it in a job, of course you feel like it's all too much. 

Theres no magic words to make things better but I do know it's nice just to be listened to and to have someone to lean on. I'm new to this forum but I'm finding it really helpful in that hearing a kind word makes me feel just a little better. 

Try and take some time to yourself where you don't 'need' to do anything so that you can just have time to do things for you. For me, it's a nice relaxing bath with my favourite music or a good book. Your way of decompressing might be different but it's important you take time to do that. 

Once you've made time to do things like that, without any guilt for doing it, you'll start to feel more motivated to do things you need to do like housework etc. 

I hope this has helped a little (and I haven't sounded too preachy, because I tend to do that by accident). 

Take care and know you're not alone. <3 

Rachel

Hi Daisy_21,

I think you are where most of the people on these boards have found themselves at one time or another.

Being a cancer carer is well beyond anyone's comfort zone and it is so easy to burn out. It is vital that you make some time for yourself every day. Every carer I know places their loved one before anything else but ....

If you don't take care of yourself, you can end up in a state where you're not fit to look after anyone else.

After about 6 years of caring for my late wife Margaret, I was an absolute wreck - couldn't sleep (bad things happen when you close your eyes), couldn't leave the house (bad things happen when you're not there), couldn't rely on anyone else (no one know how to do everything just right) - the list of reasons/excuses went on and on. Sure, the house was clean and tidy, the kitchen was spotless, the laundry was up to date, the medications were given and the bills were being paid.

But I was broken.

There was no epiphany or lightbulb moment. Just a realization that I couldn't go on this way anymore without it affecting the quality and constancy of the care I was giving to my darling.

I decided to keep a completely accurate record of everything I did in a day and I did this for a week and then looked at what I was doing that made me feel so shattered. Looking over that list made me realize that I was either "doing" or "worrying", 24 hours a day. The "doing" had to stay, but worrying about what needed to be done tomorrow or what fresh new horrors tomorrow would bring was pointless. It's not that I stopped caring about tomorrow, it was more like the AA mantra "grant me the serenity to know the difference" kind of thing.

I stopped writing my lists and made certain that I gave myself 5-10 minutes everyday where I did nothing but remembered all the good thing I did that day; the little bits of cleaning, cooking a good meal (regardless of whether it was eaten or not), massaging Marg's feet, calves and ankles, remembered to record Marg's favourite shows so she could fall asleep 2 minutes after they started - all these little things that were done to ensure Marg's life was as comfortable and as enjoyable as it could be and that started to put a little bit of joy back in my life.

Marg has been gone for a little over 2 years now and now I find myself becoming a little less meticulous.

Might be time to write myself a list again.

Hang in there sweetheart. Tomorrow is an opportunity to amaze yourself.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

Hi Ewen

Thank you for your lovely reply.  I'm sorry for your loss.

Take care

Hi

Not preachy at all, thank you.  It's all so new and overwhelming.  You give great advice.

thank you

Hi Daisy Thanks for sharing. Your's is the first post I have read tonight and I came on because I'm feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself and just wanting a break.

I'm the main carer for my mum which means weeks or more away from my wife, 2 months before her diagnosis I was diagnosed with sever depression and I'm on meds for that (first time I have told anyone that except my wife).

It can be overwhelming and just hearing it is not just me has helped me, I hope you hearing it's not just you has the same effect.

Love and best wishes x

Wow Ewen 

Your words are awesome. 
I’m going to take them on board. I’m caring  for my hubby and Im constantly running through the things I need to do in my head. I know I need time for me so I started running again today-I prefer toike but that would take hours and a run can be as little as 30 minutes but that’s ok. It’s enough to clear my head. When I’m running I can’t think of anything else other than breathing and making it to the end 

Thank you 

I'm feeling this too, im struggling with being selfish because I cant cope either, I cant deal with his taking everything from me n me just feeling like I have no life. I read that we have to be well to be there for others so im trying to be a bit more selfish because I think I will do something silly if I don't and I don't want my mental health to suffer again. So I'd say take some time for you, forget housework and do something for you, we all need that, and know ur not alone, we are just trying to get thro it the best way we can x 

thank you x

Hi, Daisy21.

My partner died 2 days ago. Look after yourself. You are one of the special ones

Daisy21 I'm so sorry for your loss, I wish I could offer you some words of comfort at such a terrible time, but I suspect that u hate the world right now, and you have every reason too, and in the mist of your devastation ur being kind, I think ur one the special ones too, my heart goes out to you x