Mum passed away from Cancer now Dad has it too

Hi ,

Sorry to hear about your mum and your dad.

I have quite often seen carers talk about their loved ones being in denial. Also seen carers breaking up and saying how well the person with cancer is coping. I know one thing I spent too long wondering about was how I would cope after my wife had gone.

I did a living with less stress course that helped me realise I spent too much time trying to work out how things would work in the future and that is was stopping me enjoying what I had in the here and now. Also tended to find that the things that did occur seemed to come out of the blue while my fears tended to be worse than reality.

If we look at Supporting a family member with cancer we can see just how normal we are - just people living in a really difficult situation and somehow muddling through.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Caralooney 

I have a similar situation.  first of all virtual hugs to you it’s not an easy situation.  We’re only flawed human beings and only so much we can do and take before we feel the toll it takes.

My wonderful dad died in 2006 after a 2 year battle with prostate cancer. He was caught at stage 4 and it was agressive. They didn’t think he would last more than a month. he only had palliative care to help with pain but was in complete denial about it being terminal which did make it a bit tricky. he did so well to have the time he did!  And I’m grateful for the time together. 

My lovely mum was diagnosed in January 2019 and yep you guessed it stage four and very agressive. They said it was inoperable so go home and get your estate in order. It was quite traumatic if I’m honest! The oncologist disagreed with the surgeon and said he’d get her to surgery. He did which was great and means she’s still here now but she had very intense chemo to make it possible. The impact on her health was frightening and I was suddenly plunged into being her day nurse!  it was very difficult time and scary watching the 6 cycles of chemo and being in and out of the oncology ward due to kidney and liver not coping with it. We achieved something we didn’t think possible with no evidence of disease last September. Since then it’s been about getting over chemo side effects, surgery and radiation.  

she’s just had a PET scan which shows it’s back in her lymph nodes so we don’t what the future means right now  

it took me a long time to come to terms with the loss of my dad. I don’t have a large family so I have feelings akin to becoming an orphan when my mum is no longer here. It’s horrible. Its uncertain.  So I guess taking it one day at a time and feeling gratitude for the small things and living in the now is what keeps me going. But it is so hard. 

all I can do is accept what’s happening, let mum make her choices and pray i’ll be strong enough to watch her move on from this world. 

I think any emotion we feel in this situation will be a mix of fear, born from love and also selfish needs which is why it’s a roller coaster. But blame/shame/guilt emotions have no place in this. We’re just flawed humans in a difficult situation. I’ve started to reach out to people and learning to hear when people are offering either listening, sharing their experience or practical help. That’s not been easy as I was the primary carer for both parents. So i’ll just keep trying to accept help as I can’t do it all on my own. 

I know my reply doesn’t solve anything or give us the future we want but you’re not alone. 

take care of yourself.