My ex husband has rare and very aggressive bowel cancer that killed his father 20 years ago - now pallative care. We are still on good terms but he will not accept the fact he is pallative and is absolutely killing my 3 children with his non acceptance of his condition - my two daughters are looking after him (1 is off from Uni and due back soon). They have told me they feel like they are living in an abusive relationship. They are not allowed to leave the house or when they do go out he will call them crying to say come home I need you. I have been there for him too but when I say the children are not coping mentally he tells me "sorry I am such a burden, I will be dead soon and you will have children all to yourself soon". He is obviously depressed - my children and I organised for his hospice (that he is under) to call him and he just couldn't understand that he is pallative meaning he will not be fully cured of his cancer - told the counsellor she had made him even more depressed than ever! I just do not know what else to do - am really sad that my ex is going through same as my father in law but am also concerned about my children - they feel so so guilty about leaving him on his own - he has friends but has told us that all he needs is me and the children . His Mum is no good as is crying so much as she lost her husband 20 years ago and is now losing her son to exactly the same aggressive form of bowel cancer. Its just down to mu children. Have rang Macmillan but said that he is not accepting his fate and until he does we have to accept it or have time out but none of us can do that to him right now. Nightmare. Have told my girls to call Macmillan but they can't even leave the house to talk to them.
Hi Rags63
So sorry to read about your ex husband and the impact it is having on you and your children.
Perhaps it might help for all the people caring for him to look at your feelings when someone has cancer.
For your daughter at university there are some very good student support services and I would really recommend they contact them as they are likely to be able to suggest support that might be available there.
From what you say about him not accepting his condition this seems perhaps to be challenged when he says "I will be dead soon".
The thing that really helped me was doing a living with less stress course, I came to realise that I had to learn to live each day as it came since my imagination was very good at imagining things worse than they turned out to be. Breathing exercises helped me deal with the inevitable unexpected news but also to relax and get better sleep.
Has he had a needs assessment from the council? That might be helpful in case he needs some professional support as it sounds like his care needs are quite high.
Hope some of those ideas help.
<<hugs>>
Steve
