Well, my spouse and I have been on a cancer journey this year, starting with her finding a lump just inside her vagina in January. But actually it extends back further, as she was growing increasingly fatigued and nauseous through the last half of last year plus I have my own health issues so we were extremely miserable for a few months there, it was almost a relief to know what it was. We were lucky in a way, she had stage 1b cancer so she was able to have it removed, but the surgery and recovery, including plastic surgery, was a bit traumatic due to where it was. They got it all out as far as they could tell, then she had 5 weeks of daily radiotherapy plus one day a week chemo at the same time. We celebrated her finishing up on 2nd July, little did we know the subsequent two weeks would be the worst. The radiotherapy continued to do its nasty business and my beloved's genital region became a painful burn site. She couldn't pee or poop without agony and they never got the pain relief right. She also got an infection. It was just me looking after her throughout and we were very worried about covid. This week just gone, she's finally turned a corner and is healing and getting back to her old self. And I am a wreck, physically, mentally and emotionally. I took two weeks completely off work because she was so unwell I couldn't work and look after her. I'm back at work on Monday and dreading it as I feel so burnt out and also my mental health is wobbling all over the place. I feel really down, like I've failed and am failing her and myself. I feel like everyone else including the huge number of folk who have it so much worse than us are able to cope better than I have. I know she's still going to need my support for some time but we've been snapping at each other. I feel trapped too and also very guilty about feeling trapped. Noone ever says it's like this so I wonder if this is normal and if there is light at the end of the tunnel. I also feel very guilty as I've seen stories here of folk going through so much worse, and I can't even cope with this.
Hi FarrahP
Sorry to read your story and about what you have been going through. Your love for you wife shines through so strongly in this message.
My wife has never had radiotherapy but my understanding is the effects you talk about are not unusual. The impact on you both is very common as is the feeling of guilt - what it might be helpful to think of though is what are you guilty of - loving too much, caring.
Does your workplace have a welfare service/employee assistance programme or something similar. If so it may be helpful to talk to them about how you feel about going back to work. I know sometimes I have gone in to work for the sense of normality - a life I feel is "normal' and I am in some kind of control but as to if I was vastly effective all the time is perhaps more open to question.
I have been their with some friends/colleagues who have real difficulty coping with knowing about my wife's cancer. Perhaps sharing with some of them talking about cancer might help everyone feel more comfortable. Full time work is about 1/3 of our live, sleeping another 1/3 (on a good night maybee!) and everything else the other 1/3,
One thing I sometimes found a bit difficult was people stressing about something really trivial - it can be hard to think it is important to them and that can easily result in snapping in someone at work,
It might help too to look through life after cancer treatment, it is perhaps more aimed at the patients but when we are dealing with someone we love it still hurts.
<<hugs>>
Steve
Hi @farrahp - one of the things Macmillan helped me learn was a difference between sympathy and empathy, something that is sometimes now referred to as emotional intelligence. Please do speak to your union early rather than using them as a last resort as they should be helping you.
It can be worthwhile suggesting to your manager that a referral to occupational health would be sensible; a key question they might like to ask is for an opinion if your situation is covered by the Equality Act (the OH doctor is likely to laugh at this point - and say of course). You can then discuss with the doctor a reasonable adjustment of a phased return to work. It would take quite a brave manager to deny the recommendation of their own OH doctor (but it does happen!!).
The employee assistance programme should be able to arrange counselling for you without any need to even go through any internal processes and is confidential.
Oh and well done for being in a trade union (I am a safety representative in my workplace and a personal case handler and am a member of the TUC London/East & South East disabled members committee). My organisation like most entered a voluntary agreement with the trade unions because they recognize the value we add.
<<hugs>>
Steve
