At Breaking Point

I hope you’re ok . He’s obviously taking his pain and anger out on you . Do you have any member of the family who can see this ? Can see what’s happening, or friends .. who you can talk to ? 

my husband has recently had a diagnosis of bile duct cancer and in his grief and shock has said a few pretty awful things . He knows he’s doing this and does apologise. 

maybe your husband needs to speak to a counsellor? X

Hi Emjai

I;m sorry you are going through this at the moment,.  My husband has just been diagnosed with lung cancer and given up to 2 years.  He is currently going through a roller coaster of emotions - anger being one of them.  They do say that you take out your anger on the one you love.  As carers, it is difficult sometimes not to feel like you are being selfish but you are not as sometimes we feel very alone.  know that you are not alone - we are all here for you.

x

I am talking on behalf of my two daughters aged 20 and 25 looking after their Dad - I am ex wife still in contact with him and we are all going through exactly the same! My ex husband cannot accept he is pallative/terminal and we arranged counsellor to call him but sent them away saying they had made him even more depressed! My daughters are not allowed out and if they do, he will call them back saying how depressed he is/in pain and needs them back.  He criticises them constantly about how they not doing things right for him.  They have no life whatsoever and I as their Mum am angry and sad because they have to vent to me (which is ok as I their Mum) but it is just so so difficult for them and just don't know how much more they can take.  However, when I popped in to see him saw how thin he getting and is in so much pain.  This cancer is SO  SOOOO hard and tough on us all and our lives are on hold.  I have decided I have to bite my tongue and just support him, along with my daughters.  Just vent to whoever you can, they must be feeling so angry, frightened and can't imagine how I would feel.  It is so so tough - his Mum can't deal with it as she lost her husband (my ex's dad) to exactly same aggressive form of bowel cancer 20 years ago and now she is losing her son.  Stay strong - it is so so tough - just come on here tonight for support and to get my girls to come on here to talk.  No one knows how hard it is to be a carer.

Sorry to hear about your situation. My husband has a terminal brain tumour and I too have become his verbal punch bag, it hurts so much when he says nasty things I know he doesn’t mean it and is just venting his fear anger and frustration out on me. I go to the bathroom and cry but would never leave. Try talking to his nurse and look after your own health after all without you he has no one but you have to survive this and even though it doesn’t feel like it we are stronger than we think

Hi Emjai.  I am  so glad I found this group. This is my first posting on here. I read your post and I completely get what you are going through .I thought  it was just me feeling like that. My husband who has terminal cancer is like a stranger sometimes. Definitely not the man I knew 28 years ago.  I can’t believe the things he says and the anger that comes out of him. I do love him but there are times I feel I could walk away from this horrible situation. I try to put myself in his shoes and I do feel so sorry for him . When the family phone or call he is nice to them even manages a joke .They have no idea what it’s like caring for someone with mood swings .I seem to be walking on eggshells lately trying to keep the grandkids if they call quite so he won’t get upset.  My escape is going for a walk or a swim it stops me going mad. You also need some escape as it’s mentally hard.  I try to remember before cancer he was not this irritable sometimes unreasonable man that cancer has made him. My thoughts are with you all on here it’s not easy. Keep strong xx

Hi, I too feel selfish. I have said to the Macmillan nurse who visits that I just want to pack a bag and go but I know I wouldn't. My husband has terminal liver cancer, it is also in his spine and neck. For the past nine months he has virtually stayed in bed. He is in hospital now with kidney problems because he stopped eating and drinking enough.

Every time I offered food or drink he would shout at me and I would end up in tears. Yes it is hard being a carer and remembering that you are their partner too.

We can only do our best, try to not take things to heart, and just look after ourselves. buy a new dress, have your nails done, have a nice walk, sit in the garden with a glass of wine. Do some crafting whilst the carers are there or just sit down and close our eyes for 30 minutes.

It's a hard road to travel, very tearful at times but it's something we have to do. Many sleepless nights too. Sending love to all, we need to be here for each other take care xx

First post in this forum and I am shocked to find so many of you in the same position as me.. a loved one suffering from cancer and taking out their fear and anxiety on their nearest and dearest. I felt so alone before reading your posts and realising that this was such a common theme. It's been a really trying and awful year and I'm so grateful to have finally found this forum.

My husband has been criticising me for all sorts of things... Everything from the way I drive to food i cook and don't cook, to the way our house and garden look and even how I look. He's accused me of lying to him about all sorts of trivial things, just to pick a reaction it fight, I think. It's been continuous. It all came to a head last week when his son stole something from me and he tried to cover (badly) for him and when his son was told to bring the item back he returned it but was extremely nasty and disrespectful, my husband still took the side of his son even though he hadn't heard what had been said. It was only because 2 of our sons in law saw and heard everything and told him exactly how badly he'd behaved that he realised I had done nothing wrong. Since our sons in laws took a stand and let him know that he was out of order too, things have been much more civil. 

I wonder, do you have an advocate that can speak to him and, for want of a better word gently but firmly put him in his place while reassuring him that you're there for him every day in every way and don't plan to desert him. 

I'm not saying it's so simple but I was literally crying buckets all day everyday with the nastiness and now we've had 3 good days. 

Thank you all of you here. I'm sorry for all the awful stuff you're all going through but I'm glad that I don't feel alone or on my own anymore.