A difficult reaction

Hi Lesley20

Sorry to hear about your mother-in-law and the impact it is having on your family. You are might in that it is a shock to everyone when someone gets a diagnosis.

What helped me when I was struggling with my emotions following my wife's diagnosis was a living with less stress course. To deal with the reality we were facing I had to get my own emotions sorted before I could really be useful to us as a family. One thing I realised was that in some ways I was working out how I could cope after she had died and that was stopping me from appreciating what we have.

Perhaps it might help you to speak to one of our advisors, you are more than welcome to ring the helpline and it might help with you and they might be able to provide suggestions to how to take things forward.

<<hugs>>

Steve

hi there 

I know how difficult it is to watch your loved one to be so lost  and fragile... my husband was diagnosed two years ago with stage 4 kidney cancer. at the time of diagnosis he was a fit and healthy builder and the diagnosis came as a complete shock after a small accident at work when he needed an xray.

after the news he sat on a sofa and literally stayed there for 3 months (except having a shower and going toilet). he'd lost 3 stones and i thought  that was it....  things have changed after he had surgery and started the treatment. 30 months on he still has stage 4 cancer but is living with it  - he has good days and bad days but we take every day as it comes.

Has your mother in started any treatments yet? it's all been delayed because of COVID...do you know the team looking after her? our local hospice really helped with the mental side of things...they ran wellbeing sessions and offer councelling too.

i guess my advice would be give her some time but let her know you are there for her and would like to help...

best wishes

H. 

Hello Lesley

Facing one’s own death is harrowing.  Decisions like whether to buy new clothes, book a holiday break for a few months time, start anything new etc etc.  are turned up side down.  The emotions are wild.  

my husband is in this situation.  Sometimes he forgets he is terminal and starts talking of visiting foreign places after Covid.  Sometimes he just stays in bed all day.  Sometimes he just doesn’t eat at all for days.  Is he depressed - yes of course he is.  Hardly will he be the life and soul of the party.

my tactic is to just respond when required.  If I offer food and he refuses I accept his decision as an adult.  If he starts planning a trip overseas I join in.
I cannot imagine how scared he must feel as the pain and horror of his death gets nearer.

as a carer I try to place myself second.  Making my husbands final months calm are my priority.  His health and mental problems do not have complete solutions - it took me a long time to accept this.

For your mother in law to feel loved and supported might just be enough. Doing nothing to help herself is her decision. I hated you using the word wallowing.  One doesn’t wallow after a terminal diagnosis.    Some terminal patients fight to the end others just accept the inevitable and her retreat was perhaps to find that acceptance.

It might be a good idea to see if a counsellor could visit your mil to help her find some peace.  Same for you.  

JaneyC