Hi all,
I'm very new to this. My mum was diagnosed with Stage 3 oral/throat cancer about 7 weeks ago. It happened very suddenly and she recently had a 3/4 of her tongue removed, total neck dissection and awaiting further removal of lymph nodes. I'm 24 and have lived away from home (but visit every few weeks) for the past 6 years. Since the diagnosis, I've moved back home and have been working virtually while trying to care for my mum, I've been working virtually throughout all of covid so there is no change in relation to that. My dad works away a lot but has been trying his best to care too. She had a tracheostomy for a while and still struggles to swallow liquids. We've just had some biopsy results which weren't great so I'm so worried about her at the moment. She is in constant pain and needs help with breathing/eating.
I work for the NHS myself in Psychology and continued to work while she was in intensive care for several weeks. I seemed to actually find it easier then as the whole thing felt very surreal and work was a distraction. However, I've really been struggling over the past few weeks and find myself feeling so infuriated at colleagues/bosses for stressing out over little things - it sounds awful but over the past few days I've felt myself nearly yelling in meetings as all I can think is "My mum is dying and you're freaking out over colour-coding in a spreadsheet". I know this may sound so ridiculous and I don't want to feel this way but I can't shift it. I never, ever act upon these feelings and I'm known for being the most polite member of the team. However, I booked one day off when mum was in an induced coma and my supervisor continued to contact me while I was at the hospital - asking about data and statistics. I replied to her letting her know that I was at the hospital but she still continued to ask questions about work. I've lost patience today as my supervisor has sent me some rude emails today stating that I'm not as "on it" as usual - e.g, I sent an email to 8 members of the team but didn't include one member so she was furious that I missed one member of the team out. This is unusual for me but my supervisor has stated that she has noticed a change in me recently and that I need to sort it.
I really just wanted to ask for any advice at all - I've asked for a few days off after today but has anyone else experienced any similar? Sorry for blabbing - I haven't posted on any forums before and I can feel my concentration wavering due to worrying about mum but I don't really know how to improve this? I'm really hoping that mum improves soon and I have so much respect for all caregivers. Your forums have helped so much.
Thanks so much.
Hi bekind1995
so sorry to hear about your mum. Sounds like you've had a rough few weeks with some more to come. Well done for reaching out though.
I'm in a similar but different situation to you. My husband was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour in early Sept last year. Those first few weeks were a total whirlwind for the whole family. My kids are 23 and 21 now but it was such a lot for them to take in too. Everyone's emotions were all over the place - some days they still are . It take time to process difficult life changing news like this so don't be too hard on yourself about how you're feeling. This rollercoaster of emotions is perfectly normal as most of the fellow carers in this group would tell you.
I'm really sorry that your boss isn't more sympathetic and understanding. I'm a team manager for a bank and honestly can't fault my employer for the support they've offered. I had been going into the office a couple of days a week up until my husband's diagnosis through personal choice but have worked full time from home ever since. If your supervisor is fully aware of your personal circumstances it sounds quite harsh for her to expect you to be 100% present at work. Is there someone else at work you can talk to about how you're feeling? Someone in HR even? My advice to my team for what it's worth is "family first. Do what you have to do" and that's the approach my boss (bosses - I've changed line manager 3 times in the past year) has taken with me. If there's no one else in your dept/team that you can talk to, perhaps try to have a frank open discussion with your supervisor about how you are feeling.
Once I got over the initial shock of my husband's diagnosis and we got through the surgery, I've actually found work a good distraction from things. It gives you something to focus on other than medical matters but just because that works for me doesn't mean that's right for you.
You need to do what's best for you. You need to look after yourself through this difficult period as your mum needs you. It's not selfish to take time for yourself. Its necessary.
Not sure anything I've said has been much help but I hope it has.
Stay strong. Sounds like you're actually doing great and I'm sure your mum's really proud of how you're handling this. Vent here anytime - even if it just to rant about your boss.
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
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