Feeling selfish

Hi Ginqueen

Welcome to the community and our extra special club. I've been here about 6 years though our situation is a bit reversed as my wife has the cancer - similar though as I an 61 and my wife will soon be 56.

Some time earlyish in our time with cancer I did a living with less stress course. I came to realise I had already partially written my wife off and was trying to work out how we could manage without her - little did I know she would still be here and really fairly healthy 6 years later and all those wonderful scenarios I had imagined did not happen. Janice did sometimes not help by saying things like "this is the last time we will do this". The course helped me realise there were all sorts of things that could happen - road traffic accidents, fire, etc. etc. that could kill either of us so as they say "worrying about tomorrows troubles just takes away today's peace".

It sounds like your husband can manage on his own - so make him. Ask him to do things around the house, try to link him up with things he enjoyed before cancer but absolutely make space for yourself - including your friends. Set boundaries around work, explaining how important it is to you and your concerns.

It might help to look at Looking after someone with cancer - because at least in my opinion you are one of the least selfish people I have seen - and post here whenever, someone is always listening and mostly we have been just where you are now.

Sometimes it can help too if those friends you go out with look at supporting my friend with cancer because sometimes you might want to talk about how his cancer is affecting you and other times you might just need a total break. My wife and I spent some time in the chemotherapy suite at our local hospital and alongside other patients and carers talked a little bit about cancer but more about the news, sport, films, tv - just like old friends meeting in the pub.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Ginqueen,

I'm really sorry to hear about the tough time your going through. I'd back up 100% everything Steve has said. My husband was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer in January 2019 and I recognise all the emotions you're feeling. It is very draining trying to remain present and supportive for a partner who is in pain and/or anxious/depressed. It is not selfish to notice your very natural  irritation, frustration, desire for something different.

There are many times when my husband and I are not on the same page which creates a tension between us. At present my husband is in hospital after complications from his latest treatment and I have realised that I actually really needed the break even though I love him deeply and am longing for him to be home again.

It must be incredibly difficult to come to terms with cancer and cope with the treatments and everyone handles it differently. But it can make the person involved very self-absorbed and sometimes self-centred.

What I can also honestly say is that my husband's diagnosis has actuallly made us closer and helped our relationship to be much deeper through a different level of honesty and communication.

We have tried to talk sensitively about what we're feeling and recognise and acknowledge that we both have needs to be able to cope with this. We've recognised that for some things both of us need to turn to other friends and family. There have been times when I've been the one in tears or highly anxious and he has been able to hold and comfort me. This brings a balance and mutuality to our relationship.

Even though you don't have the diagnosis it is impacting on your life differently but just as much and you need to be able to express and seek support for your needs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you going out with friends or having your own space or telling your partner about how you're feeling and what you need.

Hope that helps a little. I've found this forum really helpful and have sought counselling at points when I was struggling with damaging tensions insight myself.

Take care

Patience 

In answer to your last question, “what can I do to make him seek help?” The answer is nothing (in my experience).  The sooner you realise this, the more sane you will stay.  You have little choice but to follow his decisions regarding his treatment.  You can suggest, research, support. But the decisions are his. I was shocked when my husband announced “I’ve decided to go forward with the operation to  remove the tumour.”  What??!!? I had no idea he was considering NOT doing it!  Later a wise friend counselled me that it was good he had made a choice (rather than just going along with the doctor’s plan) because it would serve him well in getting through.  But at that moment I realised that none of the decisions would be mine.   Soooo what can  you do?  You have got to get help and space for yourself.  Even if it feels cruel to not be there 24/7... if you don’t get mental breaks you will be in no state to support him.  Try to set boundaries, get some counselling if you can.  Working from home while someone has cancer is a blessing and a curse... you can be more present than ever before, but it is common for your loved one to expect they can interrupt you at a moment’s notice for anything at all... which can make you feel torn in two between giving your work attention and giving your partner attention.  And notice in neither case are you giving yourself the attention you need.  So you have got to do that... please don’t feel guilty, in the long run you staying a little rested will help you be a better support to him.  Also, if you haven’t, check out the prostate cancer forum to learn more about what your partner is going through.  All best wishes to you, and if you learn any good coping strategies please post them back here.  So many of us are going through this and I haven’t cracked it either.