Hi all
I’m new to the forum and have pretty much done everything I can to work out how to handle my emotions but I am mentally exhausted.
My wife has stage 4 bowel cancer for the second time. Sadly this time there is no curative care and she has reacted badly to the chemo routine so the palliative care is also significantly impacted. She has now been registered disabled due to the effects of the chemotherapy I am her sole carer and also work full time. (We have no bubble)
I was coping up until the new year when I was offered a promotion at work. We lost 2 out of 6 people in the department and I was told that there were no options to recruit so the 4 of us that were left would have to cover 1 additional site 200 miles away. I repeatedly asked for 1 person to support but nothing was provided. My wife’s condition deteriorated in January and after speaking with her about it, we agreed I would not be able to cope with everything and maintain my health (physical and mental) so I declined the offer. This was when the problems begun.
Within days, I was being excluded from discussions and while the words “what can we do to help” were spoken, the actual support has been non existent.
Discussions about reducing my department further have been had without my input, a new manager with less skills and experience than me has been recruited and consultants brought is to offer the expertise support that I could not get (so the steps to replace me have already started) The situation has continued to deteriorate to the level where I feel I have been completely ostracised and the atmosphere is getting toxic.
This came to a head on Friday when the site leader asked how I was. At the time, my wife was back in hospital and I was talking on chat to the Macmillan support team. I was asked what can we do to help to which I replied you are the problem. You have given no help and no support at all.
I walked out before I lashed out.
My wife has no idea how much I’m struggling. It would destroy her if she knew what I was going through. I have spoken to MIND as my head is out of my control now. I’m scared.
Please talk to me.
hi @blueDane - I feel a total connection - I recognize colleagues who may feel they are trying to protect you very much like you feel you may have been trying to protect your wife. Been there done that.
Don't worry Steve - his wife has cancer - let's take the pressure off Steve - well it absolutely sucks and I seriously discussed at one point walking away from work and going for a constructive dismissal/indirect disability discrimination case - my boss even said he would not blame me if I did.
My main advice would be ring the helpline and ask to talk to the work support service Talk to your HR department or (if you have it) your employee support service about what you need but also what you can do.
You are clearly a great asset to your company and it would be a big loss to them if you were to go, but they are hurting a little too as they did not manage to get what they wanted and they are struggling with how to help.
You might also like to talk to carers uk and their work and career services. All too often employers look at carers and disabilities and look at what they cannot do - we know what we cannot do - but we can also gain strength and bring talent to the workplace.
I have talked at my work about how I cope with my wife's diagnosis and every thing else going on in my life - my colleagues call me inspirational.
We can do this - as they say
