Cancer mum struggling to process

Hi I’m new to this site, my 8 yo son was diagnosed with burkitt lymphoma in September of last year he underwent intense chemotherapy and 4 months later I was told he is in remission. Half our time in hospital was spent with me fighting for him to have support and change the way nurses do things because my son has autism and so refused a lot of the treatment especially at the start because of the lack of routine etc. The other half was being bombarded with information while watching my son suffer in a way nobody can ever prepare you for! The time flew by and because of my son tugging on his central line during autistic meltdowns they rushed him through to get it out which is amazing I know how long some people have to wait for that! However 3months past eot and I’m really struggling to go back to normal life, I feel like I’m being selfish because it wasn’t me that had to go through it all and my son has just bounced back you wouldn’t even know anything had happened to him. I cry every night for various reasons, most of the time because I’m so grateful he survived, sometimes because there was a minute my brain was convinced he wouldn’t and now he’s just like every other kid again. But there’s a lot of times where I think I just find it hard to process, from the devastating call right up to being sent home and told to enjoy life so much happened in such a short space of time  it’s hard to wrap my head around it all. And the memory of my little baby begging to die because he was in that much pain from treatment I think will always be etched into my brain! I don’t know how to socialise anymore because I hate everyone and their trivial problems, no one understands what I’ve gone through so having some one to talk too is out of the question. I just don’t know how to be normal again! Does this get easier? Will I eventually be less angry at the world? 

  • Hi again,

    Reading this post seems we have more in common than I noticed in your other post.

    It is so easy to feel alone, that nobody else cares and that there is nobody we can talk to. I have what I though were good friends who put some of my very genuine issues down to stress - his wife has cancer it is not other people being unreasonable. It is not at all difficult for me to understand why many people do not want to talk about their cancer diagnosis at all.

    There are however lots of people who will listen and have the skills to help us come to the answer we need to help us without judging us. The staff on our helpline are really expert at it and I have certainly spent quite a while talking/crying at them in the past.

    Also I have had a lot of help from our employee support service - confidential telephone helpline.

    It is really slightly surreal for me, as a trained trade union case handler I recognize absolutely everything they are doing because it is exactly what I do when I am am helping someone at work but somehow I cannot do it for myself when I am the subject.

    Perhaps it might be worth giving the helpline a call - it is open 8am-8pm 7 days a week and a free call on 0808 808 0000.

    My workplace has also started working with an organisation called action for happiness - it can be a great way to celebrate the positives in our lives.

    <<hugs>>

    Steve