Carer weight gain

Hi Sue,

Sorry to hear about your husband and totally absolutely fully recognize stand alongside you with this.

I have been overweight most of my adult life and a little while back I was lucky enough to manage to secure a place on a course called more-life https://www.more-life.co.uk/ we met as a small group for a few months. We shared some very personal things about our interactions with food and what we felt our values were and some tips on what we wanted to change. It was different to a diet club where more of the focus was on eating and exercise.

When Janice was on treatment and I was often at the hospital I would be grabbing food and eating generally as quickly as possible - visitor food in hospital is often dreadful, they would never be allowed to serve that to patients.

I have friends who can it seems eat everything under the sun and never seem to put on any weight, sometimes it feels that if I so much as look at a cake I put on 4 pounds.

Add covid in to the mix too and lots and lots of people are having issues too.

Parents (generally mums of course) when they make food for toddlers will end up finishing off food their children left. When I was young my parents distilled in to me wasting food was a sin and we got lots of messages about starving biafran childen. I have real problems in not clearing my plate because I still hear my mum's voice in the back of my head.

For both of us the good news is that we recognize this is something we do and perhaps something we might like to understand about ourselves. Like so many things in life that is the first step towards a change. I slip sometimes, some days are just rubbish and of course we have Easter coming up, chocolate everywhere arghhhh.

I would really like to thank you for bringing this to the community because there are going to be many who will recognize exactly what we go though. I did find an interesting discussion on healthline.com on Emotional Eating: What You Should Know but in terms of carers it might also be good to look at Looking after someone with cancer on here. 

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi, 

We are usually a healthy family. We cook for ourselves & I made myself a rule not to buy treats just to make them. That way if I didn't have time to make them then we didn't have them in the house. Since my husband has been diagnosed he needs to be on a high calorie low fibre diet so there are lots of biscuits, chocolate, sugary cereal & sweets. He needs to try & gain weight but struggles to eat, he has no appetite for anything. 

I have found myself reaching for the chocolate & biscuits in the evening when the kids are in bed & I am sitting alone. I have decided that trying not to eat any of the treats is actually making me crave it more so I am allowing myself 2 each day. It seems to be helping, don;t get me wrong there are still days where I go over my 'quota' but it is definitely reduced my intake. 

Not sure if this is of any help but as Steve says I am sure there are lots of people in the same position.   

Hi, I was relieved to see your post because I'm really strugging with my weight at the moment, especially as I've been 'shielding' for what seems like forever to protect my husband post cancer surgery, through chemotherapy and now he his cancer has returned and we've been told it's 'life limiting' so he has 6-12 months left. I've piled weight on the last few months when I really needed to lose a few stone. I joined Weightwatchers online today but haven't the heart to get going at the moment. My husband has reduced appetite and is struggling to eat. A lot of people have bought us chocolate for Easter and he's no interest in it while I keep helping myself to a bit more!

Hi Sue,

As well as emotional eating being a factor, I found that as my late wife's cancer progressed, the radius I existed in contracted ( an unfortunate necessity given Margaret's reduced mobility/stability and her increased habit of tripping on nothing). I eventually found myself about 18kgs overweight and it was pretty much all due to eating the wrong foods at the wrong times (carbs at night after Marg was finally fully asleep) and grossly reduced physical movement/exertion.

Since Marg passed, I've lost 2.5kgs in the past 3 months simply by looking at what I was eating, when I was eating them and why I was eating them. A lot of the problems came down to it just being what I had become accustomed to over 7 1/2 years.

Chocolate and cheese are now things of the past (Oh Camembert and Brie, I miss you two so much), bread only gets an occasional look-in and pasta is definitely on the outer. I go to the gym about 5 times a week for a minimum of an hour each time. Vegetarian dishes are a lot more prominent, juices have replaced soft drinks, fruits have replaced chocolates and candies - all the things I should have been doing but couldn't because of circumstances (or didn't because of convenience).

My goal is not necessarily to have better numbers rapidly appear on the scales. I'd rather take far longer but make genuine substantive changes to the way I live, the way I eat and the way I exercise. Although my weight loss to date has been relatively small, that small loss along with increased flexibility, movement and muscle tone have greatly improved both my health and self-esteem.

And my knees love carrying less around.

As carers, we are used to just getting on with whatever needs to be done. As carers, we usually put our own needs at the end of a long list. Bump yourself up the list a bit - if we don't take care of ourselves, we can't take care of anyone else.

Take care - I hope things work out for you.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

Thanks Steve. I will check out the sites you suggested. I get what you say about clearing the plate, I find it difficult not to. My worst thing, on a bad day, is finish the pack

Hi, yes what you say is bang on. I try to only buy the things that I don't like. A quota would be lovely but I can't stop at 2 on a bad day although I try.

That's awful for you, so cruel. I know what you say, I know what I should do but I haven't got the heart for it either. I try and rationalise that he has no choice and I do, but then reach for a biscuit, or three. When he sits and struggles to eat I try and make up for it, stupid really. 

Hi Ewen, 

So much of what you say resonates with me, thank you. Friends and family tell me to look after myself and I try but it doesn't last. If I go out without him the guilt I feel at leaving him alone eats into my enjoyment. I would love to do the things you have been doing but, well there's always a but. 

I tell myself that I'll do something about it when... when he feels better? Not possible, which leaves the nightmare yet inevitable conclusion. 

Thank you for your kind words '

Hey Sue,

The only reason I am able to do these things is because my wife has passed.

Like you, I would feel incredible guilt if I went out to do something for myself while Marg was still alive. This is the catch-22 of being a carer - we feel like we have to put everything on hold, even to our own physical or emotional detriment which invariably leads us to carer burnout. This means we can't do all the things we're supposed to or we develop a deep resentment to all the things, neither of which is good for us or for the ones we're caring for.

But ....

If we don't look after ourselves now, how on earth can we expect to look after others?

Make some time for yourself and allow yourself some joy (whether it's 5 minutes in the garden, a quick chapter of a good book or scoffing down a sneaky chocolate). It can be hard to find those odd moments of joy, but the searching is worth the effort.

There will be time enough for change in your future. Look for and grab onto any joy you can find.

Peace,
Ewen :-)