One thing after another

Hi I’m not great at taking advice but  I was in a similar situation a few years back. My then boss who was old school and not interested in flexible working etc gave me this advice’ you can only do what you can do’. It made me step back and stop beating myself up and I use to this day ... my husband is struggling with his cancer diagnosis. If you can, identify some support e.g neighbours  checking in with your mum. She may not like or want this but you and your brother can’t do everything and if you can accept this it will help

Thank you, makes a lot of sense. 

Hi calliethecat,

Time. The next biggest bastard to cancer.

I think every carer has, at some point, felt like you - stretched between too many responsibilities and not enough minutes. If everyone was like I was, we all try to be Superman and do everything on time, insulate others from what we are feeling, anticipate future needs and keep a million and one things running around our heads to prepare for the same thing tomorrow, and the day after and the day after ....

If I can offer one piece of advice (and it's from bitter experience) - look after yourself.

If you don't look after yourself, you'll end up in no fit state to look after anyone. Carer burnout comes from a good place - we're trying to do absolutely everything to prolong life, provide comfort, be a shoulder to cry on, be a whipping boy when their tempers flare, be a supermarket sprinter, prescription magician, appointment scheduling wizard, chief cook and bottle washer. But ....

if we do all that over and over again, we will, at some stage, reach a breaking point and then you all suffer.

Whenever I reached my breaking point, I used to take 5-10 minutes late at night out in the garden. Rather than trying to organize tomorrow before it arrived or focussing on what went wrong, I'd run through all the good things I'd accomplished that day - even the little things. Every little victory is a victory nonetheless. The more I thought of what I'd gotten right, the more things I remembered. By the end of it, I would be a little more relaxed and a little bit better ready for whatever shite the dawn chose to throw at us.

Don't feel that reaching out for help or taking time for yourself is a sign of weakness or selfishness. Knowing your limitations is just another piece of the armour that carers need to develop.

You're lucky in that your brother is also sharing the load. Talk to him and let him know how you're feeling. I'd be surprised if he isn't feeling the same (or similar).

Hang in there sweetheart.

Peace
Ewen :-)