Is sharing caring? Protecting family from news about a loved one with cancer (covid restrictions)

Hello 1seven

I appreciate your difficult situation. Whilst respecting your mom's wishes, you have to square up to the fact that you are the bridge between the situation and your wider family. If the situation stabilizes then that's great but if it declines then will they want to know why you didn't fill them in more fully. I lost my father and mother to cancer, and in both cases during the final months it was a mess as unresolved family tensions played out.  

It finally split my already disfunctional family apart, I think in your case ask yourself how you would feel if you were in their shoes?

I have recently lost my wife (she was 52) to totally unexpected bowel cancer. I had my own take on Government restrictions and made sure she saw all her friends and family as she was strong enough to be able to enjoy visitors. It was immeasurably sad, but everyone was able to say they sat with her and said very important stuff.

 We were unlucky, she was stage 4 at first diagnosis, but cancer can be beat. 

Best wishes to you and your family in this horrible situation of Covid and cancer.

Karl

Hi Karl 

Thank you for your message and I am sorry to hear about your loss. 

You are right. My mother is 52. Things are moving very quickly so to speak with scans, tests, treatment.

I have to respect that my mother wants to continúe as normal. She doesn't want my brother to return to UK as he has just got a new job.

For example my mother and I have know that her PET scan is on my brothers birthday. She didn't want to tell my brother this, so he can enjoy the day without worrying about mum.

I will have to see over the next few weeks/months how she responds. Then perhaps find a way of explaining to the wider family.

How did you speak to your family regarding your wife?

It's just hard as I feel like I am going behind my mothers back.

When patients are experiencing some level of denial, should us as family respect this, or be realistic?

So far I have stated facts and her treatment plan. But nothing about symptoms or any vague description of how she is physically.

Many thanks xx

Hey sorry to hear you are dealing with a difficult situation on your own. 

I am not in exactly the same boat but similar. My husband was diagnosed just last week with incurable cancer in his abdominal lining. He will start chemo in a couple of weeks but nobody knows if it will work to reduce the tumor size. 

We have spoken to friends & family. Personally we allowed family (those who live in Edinburgh) into our house to tell them as we thought it was a more private way to disclose the news. My husband is not in denial & is determined to fight but his sisters are constantly in touch with us asking how he is. He isn’t really saying how much/how little he is telling them. Obviously I see how he is on a a daily basis when they don’t but I don’t know whether to talk to them about his ups & downs. I know they will worry & perhaps they don’t need to know every little thing. I don’t know how much to tell people. 

My problem is my parents are in Aberdeen while i am in Edinburgh. I don’t want them to worry about me if I’m getting upset in the phone frequently. We cried when we heard the news & we cried telling family but I haven’t cried since despite all my worries. My brother suffered from depression a few years back & I don’t want my mum to worry about me getting depressed. I have 2 young kids that I need to keep going for. Despite how my husband is feeling or how worried I am they both the normality. 

Hi I can hear the doubt in your message and feel very much for the situation you find yourself in. You have had some really great input here and it might be worth sharing some of that with your mother and possibly look through the guide Talking about cancer. It might help to talk with your mother about your own emotions in "keeping the secret" and possible concerns how this might affect your relationship in the future. Hopefully your mum will give you her blessing to be more open.

Perhaps one helpful tip around this is rather than saying can I tell them ask "when can I tell them" as it can make it seem telling them is inevitable - then perhaps the point about consider their feelings when they find out they were left out.

You might also like to look at our guide Looking after someone with cancer, especially the bits around our emotions - because if you become overloaded not only is your mum in difficulty but you too.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Edinmum and src 60

I am sorry to hear you have similar anxieties and concerns Edinmum.

Thank you for the advice about 'talking about cancer' I spoke with mum yesterday, as I was concerned about her desicion to return to a school to work as she starts treatment.

We talked about what we say to my brother and grandmother. 

I spoke to macmillan work team support and emotional support line that have been so lovely!

I have to accept that although I am dealing with this by preparing and finding out about treatment/the disease, It is too painful for my mother to do this.

Although I find It very frustrating I have to respect that I have no control and although I wish the best for my mother and family, this does not fall to my responsibility.

My mother is concerned about my mental health as I have an eating disorder so I am seeking help. We are also concerned my brother is not approaching the subject at all.

I tried to explain to my mum its normal this will have an impact on family's mental health. We can do our best to keep ourselves well for her. But It is normal for us to react in this way.

Many thanks for your continúed support.

Best regards

One7 xx

Hi , my wife has incurable bone cancer, now spread to her liver , I wish I had kept her news to myself , and not told family . She was diagnosed 6 months to live , that was 2 years ago. From now on I don’t listen to timescales given by the experts 

Hi - in those days of yore when our champions got to visit Macmillan HQ a topic that came up many times was prognosis - our general conclusion is that there are some occasions where they might be useful. Typical examples might be to get an early payout on life insurance policies and to get fastrack access to personal Independence payments but also quite often they can be very disruptive.

My wife was always very clear she was not interested in a prognosis and in the early days I really struggled with that but I do not think anyone could have possibly guessed at the time the result of the treatment she has had - the oncologist only thought it worthwhile giving it a try - still she seems close to indestructible. The one thing that can wind her up though is if someone tells her how brave she it. We might not have picked to have a path of living with cancer but that is the card we have been dealt and we are going to make sure we make the most of it.

When it comes to ourselves and our loved ones listen to the real experts - yourself and ask for advice from others when we need.

<<hugs>>

Steve