Terminal diagnosis and depression, what can I do to help?

Hi Emanjay, I wish I knew what to say to help here. I'm in a similar situation with my husband. He got a terminal diagnosis last Sept and was given 12-15 months.  He's not the type to accept counselling etc but he has been in a really dark place many times over the past few months and has lashed out saying some pretty hateful things. For you, hard as it is, don't take them to heart. He doesn't mean them. 

I usually find  a couple of my husband's friends can get through to him better than I can. Is there a family friend or relative you can reach out to here? Someone who can give him a call for a chat?

I'm going to shut up because I'm not being much use to you but just know you're not alone and there are plenty folk on here in the same boat who are here to listen and offer as much support as we can.

Hang in there. Big hugs

Wee Me  x

Hello Wee Me, thank you for your response, 

Same here, my husband was given 12 x 18 months possibly longer with chemo (this was October 2019), he had two rounds of chemo which made him very ill and they were going to give him a reduced dose the next time but when the pandemic struck ... oncology handed him back to the liver transplant team (he had a transplant about 13 years ago) and we have heard nothing from oncology since.  Like your husband mine won’t accept counselling, the local Hospice phone every now and then but he doesn’t want to talk to them as he says he doesn’t want to be reminded that he is ill!

He has never been a communicator but rather withdraws into himself,  he doesn’t have any really close friends and to be honest he stopped talking to our group of friends when he was first diagnosed and forbade me to tell any of them of his illness (I have told them all now though and they are full of sympathy).  He chats to our son and daughter and his sisters on face time and shows them his normal jokey self, he keeps the moody man for me ... I find I have no one to talk to, hence my post this morning to let it out.

Since posting this morning, my husband has got himself up but is very quiet, it has been a subdued day.

Hi Emanjay, oh I feel for you and can relate all too well sadly.  My husband turns on the "Prince Charming"  act when he's talking to former work colleagues and his two close friends then I get the "real" version of him. Even hearing him laughing and joking with them and knowing all I'll get is the moody him is soul destroying. I do my best to shut it out but some days it gets under my skin. Today being one of those. My husband's speech and language centre in the brain has been compromised by the tumour so I know I should be grateful he can still communicate as well as he does. HIs abilities as slowly declining as is his understanding of things. 

I feel I don't open up to my friends about how he is as I don't want to appear to be bad mouthing him but there are a couple that I can vent to. We all need someone.

One day at a time. Hang in there

Big hugs

Wee Me x

Oh yes Wee Me I am the same, I don’t tell people how it really is as, like you, I don’t want to appear to be moaning about him ... with our children (both grown up) I just say “you know what your dad is like”.  On the plus side he appears to be having a good day today and the sun is shining so I’m feeling a little more relaxed.  
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your experience, it really does help to know that you are not alone x

Sunshine always makes the world feel a better place

x

Has really helped me to read this. Have been struggling for 6 months to manage husbands moods and negativity . First check up post treatment this week was very positive but made no difference. Reassuring to know it’s not just me. Keep strong

Dancer2509, we didn’t choose to be carers but we chose to love and share our lives with our partners, it is just so hard seeing them go through such an awful experience isn’t it ...... all we can do is be there for them ...

You too, keep strong, take care and stay safe x

One of the tips on here - when you do not know what to say - hug.

<<hugs>>

Steve

Hi Emanjay

I am sorry to read what you are going through...it seems as if only your husband can pull himself out of the dark place he is in, and I think all you can do is to be there. That's it. If nothing you say or do helps then what more can you do but just be there for him?

Easier said than done I know.

I am on antidepressants,  have been on them for over a year, long before my husbands diagnosis, and I am sure they are really helping me...would this be an idea for you? The thing is, we really do need to take care of ourselves as although it is dreadful for our husbands to be going through this, we are the ones who take the brunt, who do the caring and the overseeing, who have to make decisions about them if they are too poorly...we have to keep going, and all the more difficult in lockdown. We need to cut ourselves some slack, throw out the guilty feelings, and say to ourselves, do you know what, you are doing a fantastic job. Because we are.

X

Hi Minniepippa, so sorry to hear you are on anti depressants, but glad that they help you.  I am someone that doesn’t take medications unless I really have to.  I take myself off for a walk or bury myself into a good book ... this is me time where I can switch off from stress, and most of the time it works for me.

Hang on in there, we will all get through this xx