Hi all,
My wife was diagnosed with stage 4, inoperable and incurable, rectal cancer with mets to the lungs in September 2020.
I would just like to explain my journey through this cancer diagnoses, treatment and humbling experience. If it helps someone else through their journey then it will give me some comfort.
I was never abusive to my wife or children throughout the time we have been together. I would say I was more a demanding husband/father. I would tend to be a person who expected supper to be ready when I got home from work. I expected my work clothes to be clean and home to be nice and tidy. Send my wife on errands for me during the day. That is what is required from a house wife, right?
When she started feeling tired and lethargic and complaining about stomach cramps, I was initially not too worried. Then she started to lose weight and had blood in her stools. We went from doctor to doctor with no real results. Medicating for diarrhea and then for constipation. Eventually we found a hospital which sent her for colonoscopy. That is when she was diagnosed with rectal cancer. Further tests showed it had metastasized to her lungs. We were devastated. We had never been exposed to someone we know with cancer before so I googled. Not a good place to go when you at stage 4.
Anyway I found this site and joined the bowel cancer forum first and started to see a lot of people living longer than expected life expectancy with stage 4 cancer. There are treatments that extend life expectancy. All is not lost. We still have to be realistic in the sense that there are turning points in cancer but we have to take them as they come and not live a life of fear.
Now I get to my humbling experience. I realized that I have to remain calm in this storm. Be the strong one, be the nurture, be the carer, be the provider and be the soulmate that I should of been all these years. I was wrong to be a demander all our married life. I am mature enough to say I was wrong. My wife feels loved now. My wife feels comforted. She need not worry about chores. She now knows I am with her every step of this journey. I have changed from being a demander to a provider. I lesson I should of learnt a long time ago.
Sorry for the long post, but I needed to get that off my chest. Please don't live with regrets and treat your partner/wife/husband with respect, love and dignity that we all deserve.
Here is to a long and happy life for me and my loving wife.
Take care
Hello Hatariforce, sorry you also find yourself on this site too and sorry to hear of your wife's recent diagnosis, cancer honestly sucks for all involved.
My mum was sadly diagnosed with stage 4 small cell lung cancer with mets in liver, adrenal glands, lymph nodes and bones in Dec 2020, we are on the road with chemo and immuno now, and don't know how things will honestly go. My dad was the same as you. Mum did everything for him, he too was 'demanding' but the coin has flipped now and he is taking on more and looking after my mum so much more now. He's cooking which he rarely did when we were young, he's running his own errands now and really taking care of my mum, she's a very special lady to us all and deserves to be cared for.
My dad loves my mum so deeply and i think the diagnosis and prognosis has hit him hard, but he is doing his best now and not relying on her for everything. This is the way they have always been, it worked for them. I think my mum finds it hard as she's normally such an active lady and my dad the couch potato 
but i see my dad trying so hard now.
I think we have all looked at life and ourselves differently since mum's diagnosis, it caused a reality check.
I wish your wife all the best and hope everything goes well for her With you by her side, i am sure she has all the love and support through this time, remember to look after yourself too! Xxx
Bearhug
