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Hi Kikidotty

So sorry to hear what you are going through, when my husband was first diagnosed with terminal cancer I felt like I’d been hit by something large and heavy ,.. totally shocked, winded and unable to cope.  I also felt extremely guilty at how sorry I felt for myself when it was him that was given a terminal diagnosis ......  I have found that googling his condition helps me, as knowing what to expect gives me some sort of perceived control, for me, knowing what may happen is better than being completely in the dark so I understand you completely.

COVID seems to make everything worse, as in other circumstances we could go out and about and enjoy the time we have left together whereas now he has to shield and has not left the house (apart from going for blood tests, scans etc) since March 2020.  I am his barrier against the outside world and it makes me feel that I am protecting him and doing something positive. 

Visiting here to this group and reading other people’s thoughts and experiences are a great help to me and I hope you can get some comfort.  You tell yourself to stay strong but sometimes, just letting out your thoughts and feelings can be a great relief.

Take care of your self too, stay safe

J x

Thankyou so much for your kind words you have described exactly how I am feeling it's really comforting knowing there is other people who are going through the same awful time thankyou take care m xx

Hi Kikidotty

Sometimes the hardest thing is writing on forums like this and waiting on responses, I have noticed a couple of your posts on this site and I am pleased that others have reached out to you already.

You are very welcome to this forum, I know that it is the last place that any of us want to be, but there is great support, knowledge and understanding here and can I say how sorry I am to hear of your husbands diagnosis.

My husband was diagnosed with terminal oesophageal cancer in May and my dad who is 82 has recently been diagnosed with a cancerous prepyloric ulcer. With my husband the hole which opened under my feet was immediate, I felt totally broken, lost and well, in disbelief to say the least. That said, after allowing myself some time to get my head around his condition, diagnosis and prognosis, and after joining Macmillan I was able to re-focus, I really hope that this is something that you can do.

Although my husband was given a prognosis, he does not investigate this further, he has a great way of dealing with this and after the first few months of being quite ill, he has responded well to treatment and believes that anything is possible.

Googling is something that can be both good and bad, I suppose it will depend on what we search for and whether we focus on the negative... there are some great stories of recovery on this site, please hold on to that thought. 

As for feeling like your husband is already gone, I think from my own experience that I too felt like that for a while.... I would constantly cry, try and work out what would happen to me, in many ways a felt quite selfish, but then I realised that this was just me processing the incredible bad news that I had just been told.

With my Dad, I hold on to the belief that this tower of a man will beat this, even at a grand-old-age, he still has a lot of life left in him.....

I hope that in the day or so since your wrote this post, that you have managed to find the inner you, the one that will help you keep strong and I wish the very best to you and your husband

Feel free to come and rant as much as you like, we are here for you. 

Lowe'

Thankyou I am very touched of how many people including yourself takes the time to send postive caring messages I have only been on here for 2 days I feel stronger already  

Thankyou I am very touched of how many people including yourself takes the time to send postive caring messages I have only been on here for 2 days I feel stronger already