Husband waiting for more palliative chemo

Hi,

Im not exactly in the same situation as kids grown up but my husband is also about to start his 2nd line chemo next week as first batch didn’t work. He has stage 4 stomach cancer diagnosed xmas eve(!!) and it’s aggressive and has spread to peritoneum. He’s already had to have stents fitted to kidney tubes as cancer was blocking the and I’ve noticed him get worse over last few weeks. 
He is 51 and I’m 46 and although I keep trying to prepare myself for what lies ahead you never really can, can you? I feel my panic rise to the surface every time something else happens or while we wait for the next dreaded oncologist call.

My gorgeous step daughter has just had a baby and is coping amazingly well and is my rock, but I’m as devastated for her as I am for me and simply cannot imagine my life without him. We’ve been together 23 years which is not all that long really and I feel robbed.

I have no advice but share your feelings. 
x

Thanks for your reply. Really sorry to hear that you’re all going through this. Such a difficult situation. I agree it’s difficult to prepare for what lies ahead when you don’t really know what that is. 

I suppose we all just have to take things one day a time.

thanks for replying to me. Sending lots of love xxx

So true, it is like living in a permanent state of limbo. Life is now all about hospital and GP appointments, trying to get food and drink into him and waiting for the next scan. And with COVID we can’t even do normal things anymore. The worst of it is you just have no clue how long life will be like this, week, months, years. Nothing will ever be the same again but we just try and take it one day at a time and really enjoy the simple things in life.

thinking of you and hoping for a miracle x

Hi Snuky

My husband of 45 years is just having palliative chemo for colorectal cancer that has now spread to his lungs and liver. As with everyone else we don’t know for sure how long he has, could be months, if we’re lucky, he might get 1-2 years. I’m not coping too well but I’m trying to protect him from my fears.

I feel for you. I can understand your fears, our daughter is divorced and so is bringing up her daughter mostly on her own, her father is a complex character who doesn’t really help. I think their mother and daughter bond is so much closer, they grow more alike every day but they are both happy.

Grief.... I wish I could help but I have my own fears of how I’ll be. Right now I’m finding it overwhelming. There are such lovely kind supportive people on this forum who have already been there who will try to help.

Keep sharing your feelings, it helps to get it out.

Big hugs  Budge  

Hi Snuky1 

I can totally relate to how your feeling. My husband has a brain tumour and the doctors have said they will be surprised if his still here at Christmas. We have 2 children and I’m scared and wondering how will I ever cope without him. I miss him so much already and his still here but just sleeping lots and the tumour is slowly taking my husband away. He can’t talk very well and gets confused. I’m 35 and my kids are 6 and 9. I miss being a mum and a dad together. My husband is bed bound now in a hospital bed in the lounge and it breaks my heart seeing him this way x

Hi Mills19,

I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this, but welcome to the club. We all know how it feels. I totally the feeling of missing your husband even when he’s still with you, as you lose a part of them as each day goes by. I grieve for the everyday ‘normal’ life we once had, knowing we’ll never have that again.

My husband still shares our bed and can join me for the odd walk, but he also sleeps a lot and doesn’t talk much, he’s very quiet. Sometimes I wonder if this helps prepare us more for being without them but then is that possible? You gradually learn to be almost totally independent as they nod less and less but at the same time you have to watch the ones you love slowly fade away. Then I wonder how he feels having to watch me do the things that he would have always done in the past, that must be so hard.

I hope you are able to enjoy the little things and spend some loving time with your husband and children. It really is the most awful time xx

Thanks for your kind reply and apologies for my late response. I hope you, your husband and your daughter and grandaughter are doing ok at the moment. 
it sounds like you are in a similar situation, trying to protect him from your fears but also worried about how you will feel in the future. I’m sure you never imagined you’d be in this situation. 

already I feel a little better having had the kind responses here so thank you. 

sending big hugs to you as well xxx

Hi mills19,

thanks for your response and I’m so sorry to hear you’re all going through this. I’m also 35 and altho I never imagined it would happen, I feel shocked and upset it has happened to us so early on in our lives. 

its difficult when they feel so tired and need to sleep so much. I find those are the times when I feel especially lonely but have been trying to find distractions - going for walks etc. I really understand what you say about missing being a mum and dad together. 
how are your children doing? 

so sad you have to go through this. Sending hugs and support xxx

It is so lonely when they are asleep isn’t it? It’s like this is the inbetween ‘limbo’ stage, where we are already grieving but they are still with but not fully. Sometimes I feel like I’m imprisoned in my home as I want to go out and get fresh air but also don’t want to leave him. I feel awful for having those feelings too. I also never see friends and family because trying to keep him Covid free with his chemo and everything. Slowly I feel like I’m losing touch with the rest of the world. I work from home so don’t see my work colleagues either. 
thank goodness for my dog. That daily walk is a lifeline! Sorry didn’t know where all that came from. 
hugs to you all xx

Oh ladies thank you for your messages about this subject and I am so sorry we all have to be here. My hubby has multiple myeloma and has just started his fourth line of treatment which will show in 6 - 8 weeks if it’s working. We’ve been on this journey now for over two years and I am so very tired. Last evening I took him for a socially distanced drink (we sit in the car on the edge of the car park) on a local common at a lovely little pub but after driving us there and back, walking the dog, coming home to make the meal, queuing for drinks etc etc I was shattered. We have done that a few time now  and love it but last night I saw some old friends - couples - who were enjoying their  evening out. Hubby didn’t see them as we are so far away from everyone. The have a perfect right of course but oh it made me so sad and I felt so lonely. I dragged myself back to the car with the drinks and my beloved hubby smiled at me and told me he was so grateful for my care. I seem to lurch from utter despair to a domestic crisis to fear etc. As you have said watching your loved ones sleep for hours, being so active in every aspect of their care etc etc you do become so very lonely. Thank you for being here on this site - you’ve helped me so much today. X