In December my daughter Melanie died of a brain tumour, it had been two and a half years of nursing her and not being at my home very often, sometimes I got home for Saturday and Sunday to spend time with my new husband. We emptied her house, sorted stuff out, got through the funeral and I brought some things back home with me.
Today sorting through some drawing books and papers I landed up in tears, finding things she had written, I knew at times she was in a dark place but judge for yourselves, should anyone feel like this.
Keep your words hidden Mel, Don't forget to turn the page. Your words are your thoughts, keep that poker face. You know to keep them hidden, they come from your darkest place, So keep your words hidden , Don't forget to turn the page.
They say that practice makes perfect, but I'm still a reject. I will not give up, I'll try till I cry, then when tears dry up I'll start again.
THIS NEXT ONE I PRESUME SHE WROTE ONE DAY I HAD BEEN AT HOME.
I wish that I could mind read, wish I knew what you want me to do before you open the door.I wish I could mind read. I have written to my Dad asked me . I still have a better solution, for me and for you, but you say NO, to that too. I love you so much, you're my mum just let me do this, it could be so simple, a few tablets and I'd be numb. For you all the stress would be over, that both know that is what you need, I could do it for you, 'cos I love you, and you have love me enough. Now Mum,just let me sleep, then you can get some sleep.
That day she tried to end her life, I caught her and rang 999, she lived, came home and we had another 9 months together, before she died peacefully at home with her family around.
This was the last piece she wrote.
Don't says "she has gone to sleep", Don't say "she's passed away, Don't pretend I am in a better place. Right here here with you beside me is the best place I could be. I hope its over soon though, I hope that I am gone. Then you can rest and sleep well, with no more stress from me. Please don't cry mum.
Before anyone says, we should have talked, we did, often, I thought I knew my daughter inside out, but sometimes, we find things out, when its to late. Please if you are going through what I went through, be aware, sometimes people don't share their dark places with you.
