Optimistic vs pessimistic

Dear Runnerchick....I’m in a similar situation. My H has an aggressive cancer, stage 4, max staging on everything. It was a shock diagnosis only 4 weeks ago. Up to the last few days he was behaving like your H, talking about being around for 5 years, foreign holidays, etc.  Meanwhile like you ...I know the oncologist said likely survival is circa 9 months.  So exactly like you, I’m reluctant to burst his bubble as it’s difficult to imagine how one could reconcile oneself to such a frightening diagnosis. Maybe some people just need a bit more time to accept ?

But of course it makes it very difficult to know what to say, how to talk to him. In fact I hardly can...instead I call one or two friends and talk to them instead about how it really is. I find that helps me and hope that may help you too, but the inherent dishonesty of this upsets me...much like you.  

H’s condition is deteriorating rapidly over past few days...and H is getting more worried too. But I stI’ll don’t know what to say. I think he may be more worried than he let’s on...but what DO you say to someone who’s dying in front of you ? I don’t know either. Maybe someone else here ? And if someone else tells me to take it a day at a time ...that’s no help at all. 

My mum is also with lung cancer. Radiotherapy, didn't help. She's 81. I'm struggling. I can see her deteriate daily. Not eating, now in bed 24\7. Four wks ago she was up and about. It's so difficult. I don't know what to expect next. She has carers, 4 times a day. I try to go daily. But can't always. Then when I do. It upsets me so much :-( 

Yes...the advice on Macmillan website is about talking to people who want to talk about their position. What to do when your loved one Doesn’t want to talk ( but you do ?) 

Hi right back!! Sorry to hear about what you are going through with your H... The speed that this is happening to you both means you can’t take a breath at all.. but it does very much seem as though our H’s are very similar in their reactions although we have had longer to process this! We have been given no ‘estimate’ of time left, just he is incurable but treatable, but saying that at the moment treatment is suspended due to an inflamed liver, which he continues to think drinking alcohol is a good idea...Again, how do you say ‘step away from the booze’ when the future is so uncertain and you have no idea what the next week will bring... it’s an emotional nightmare where you know you should say something but sometimes it’s easier to say nothing despite hurting inside!! Arhhhh

I had a helpful conversation with a friend today - he helped me to see that not doing as you are advised (however pointlessly) is a small way of taking back control. Which makes me smile as my H is an antibrexiter to his last breath.  So that does help me to understand why my husband disregards advice about pain relief and many other things...and maybe why your H still wants a drink.

But I hear you. I hear your distress.  Keep talking...it’s all there is.  

I wish my H would do something more constructive, like exercises, instead of these silly yah boo symbolic acts of resistance. Hey, though, when I get that fed up with having to say nuffin ( which so goes against my grain) I go out for a walk, rain or no rain. Or phone a friend.  

Best wishes