Near the end for my mum

What a really horrible situation to find yourself in......I am at the start of my journey with a mum with bowel cancer that has gone to her liver. Mums surgery was awful.....had to have a temp stoma which nearly killed her, so was reversed two weeks ago. She was fit and relatively happy 4 months ago....now terribly anxious, terrified about having chemo, and already considering palliative care as she has been traumatised by two months in hospital with the bowel ops. I gave up my job as a teacher to look after mum, who lives with me and my hubby. I honestly don't know how you juggle jobs, kids and family when in this situation. You probably feel terrible guilt too which will make you Ill if you are not careful. I. Pray you keep strong and you can get through this tough time.....remember that the 6th of Jan is a way off yet....just take one day at a time. Thinking of you!

So last night was an absolute disaster. She decided after sleeping for 10 hours to try to get out of bed (she is in her bed as she refuses to get a hospital bed) I kept telling her not to and tried to stop her but didn't want to hurt her by holding her down and she kept shouting am am and trying to push me away. (she is only about 6 st at a push now) so she managed to slide out of bed onto the floor, she then refused to let me help get her back into bed (shesaid she  isnt sure if I am helping her or trying to hurt her) so I asked her what she wanted 1 was to let her die. 2 was to call the paramedics. 

So 1 he later the paramedics arrive. By this time I have made her as comfortable as I can on the floor. 

They manage to get her back into bed, and so I call the district nurses, as she is in pain. 

They arrive 2 hrs later during this time she said she is going and started counting to 10. Nothing obviously happened when she got to 10. 

The nurses gave her some medication and left and she has been asleep albeit groaning and moaning in her sleep. 

She did ask the nurses to finish her off. which they answered that they can't do that. 

She has a bed sore starting on her hip and she won't let me move her or put cream on her. 

I am honestly at a point of this is more than I can cope with. 

So after the disaster that was last night. 

I spoke to the hospice, they have no room at the moment but even if they did unless my mum agrees to go they won't take her. 

The nurse came in today and asked her she flatly said no. Granted it was just asking her and not a long conversation but either ways she gave her answer. 

The other option is the following 

Carers 4 times a day for 45 min 

District nurse twice a day 

Then over night carers 3 times a week if it's available. 

I seem to be out of options. No way can I leave her to be on her own like that. 

X

Hi. I’m in a very similar situation. My mom has deteriorated and hospice have offered to admit her to try To manage her symptoms. She’s refused flatly. Myself, hospice staff and district nurses have all tried. Today the nurse asked why she wouldn’t Accept the help and asked if she was scared - she nodded.  Macmillan are going to try again tomorrow. My mom is refusing carers at home too and I don’t feel I can stay the night it’s consuming me looking after her all day as I have no help at all. I know Macmillan and district nurses will come in regularly but they check up on her not care for her. I’m feeling that I just need to arrange carers and pay for it myself which is going to be difficult to pay for because I now only work 1 day a week when she is at the hospice so my income is only £400 a month. My carers allowance isn’t much and my mom gets attendance allowance but all it’s doing is sitting in the bank. Mom is being so selfish about this and when i said to her that  I needed help she just said she knew I wouldn’t be able to cope. I think I’m going to have to put my foot down and tell her I’m getting carers in and use savings to pay for it. 

Just to update you all 

Mum passed away this morning. Not as peacefully as I had hoped but at least now she is at peace. I had a lovely Isabel hospice nurse with me who stayed past her finish time and cared for mum with so much compassion and understanding. 

I am pleased that she is now at peace and out of pain but my heart is broken I will never get to hold her or speak to her again. 

Thank you all for your support and kind words, they meant do much to me during what was an extremely difficult time. 

Positive thoughts and wishes to you all 

Laura x

I am sorry to hear this Laura. I can unfortunately sympathesise. But I feel relief that it is all over. I talked about you only the night Ric passed away to my friend. She said she would have sat with mum if you had been closer. My goal for next year is to do something to improve things for us!

Take care. One day at a time hun. Lots of love 

Alison xxx