Angry about my husbands diagnosis

Hi thank you I really need that hug tonight! We have now fallen out over another hospital blunder! Today’s appointment was a mistake! No one there to do chemo tomorrow and he hasn’t had enough folic acid as I queried!!! At the moment I am crying buckets because he thinks I should accept all these mistakes and I am struggling with it because I trained when these sort of things mattered and they still do to me! My asthma is awful because of the stress! I have booked a Dr appointment for myself on weds, my next day off! I am taking my emergency high dose prednisone! I am so scared about him dying in that hospital and I know some of it is because I haven’t really managed my first husbands death! 
I am so pleased your husbands treatment is going well. I hope you are getting support too! 
It sounds terrible but I just want it all to be over! I can cope with looking after a poorly dying man but not all this treatment that I am struggling to understand and all this prolong life thing! Not sure I can really see the point if someone is having stuff that makes them ill!!! 
sending you a big hug back xxx

Hi thank you I really need that hug tonight! We have now fallen out over another hospital blunder! Today’s appointment was a mistake! No one there to do chemo tomorrow and he hasn’t had enough folic acid as I queried!!! At the moment I am crying buckets because he thinks I should accept all these mistakes and I am struggling with it because I trained when these sort of things mattered and they still do to me! My asthma is awful because of the stress! I have booked a Dr appointment for myself on weds, my next day off! I am taking my emergency high dose prednisone! I am so scared about him dying in that hospital and I know some of it is because I haven’t really managed my first husbands death! 
I am so pleased your husbands treatment is going well. I hope you are getting support too! 
It sounds terrible but I just want it all to be over! I can cope with looking after a poorly dying man but not all this treatment that I am struggling to understand and all this prolong life thing! Not sure I can really see the point if someone is having stuff that makes them ill!!! 
sending you a big hug back xxx

Hi x I hope your tears gave you a little bit of relief for a little while. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts for sure.  It’s not helped that the hospital don’t seem to have their act together and you feel unsupported and unsafe.  On top of everything else for you, the stress is just too much and I’m glad you’re going to see the doctor for yourself tomorrow, not just from an asthma point of view but the whole situation I hope.  I was there for myself yesterday.  We have another hospital appointment today, only for redressing. My hubby is a bit down today and I find that difficult to cope with because I can’t do anything practical to make that better. I’m just used to making people better and I can’t make him better. Is your husband that close to dying? When my hubby was first diagnosed I thought it must be imminent but I know unless something dreadful happens, we will be ok for the moment. How long a moment is, who knows?  I have been SO looking forward to the autumn, Christmas and then retiring and ‘beginning ‘ our lives again without work getting in the way but now I look at the sunshine and changing leaves and almost hate it. I want the world to stop turning. I want to stop seeing people carrying on with their normal lives. I know that’s selfish of me but it’s just the way I feel. I wake every morning trembling, nauseous and heart pounding etc and then feel guilty because it’s not me who is ill!  

Dealing with everything is so hard for any carer, that’s obvious, we are all in the same boat from that point of view but we all have ‘life’ to get on with too don’t we? In that respect, the isolation , fear and sheer exhaustion is individual to each of us. I wish I could put my arms around us all and give us some comfort.  

Have you had any benefits advice to help you financially? I am looking into that at the moment too. 

Sending you another hug today, I’m trying to tell myself that I must just try to get through THIS day, this morning, then I’ll deal with this afternoon. 

Xx 

Hi Sue, i hope you and your family are safe and well? I haven’t been in this site for months and you did give me some good advice and support but I couldn’t keep coming back to the site because I felt overwhelmed. My hubby is almost through his second round if chemotherapy, he has two more treatments to go.  He ended up also having emergency surgery in February, just before Covid broke thankfully and I’ve been looking after him. He’s still self caring and mobile for now and awaiting a further CT scan.  However, I can’t function properly. All I can think of is that he’s dying and the end is going to come. There will be a time when they are going to say that there’s no more treatment and I can’t get that out if my head. I want to live for NOW but it’s like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. I know there’s no magic wand but do you have any advice on how I find the strength to go on? To help him? I’m doing all the practical things but inside I’m heartbroken.  I would appreciate any advice you can give me?  Thanks so much x 

• Hello my dear its really hard to focus on the now and I know only too well exactly what you mean about the all consuming fear that you are going to lose your husband .It helps to just do one day at a time someone told me and Bill and I discussed it is that we could all suddenly die and if he hadnt had cancer we wouldnt even be thinking about it .I have found an app called Calm which you can download to your phone or a tablet it has techniques to help with sleep anxiety breathing .Its not too expensive and is something for you to focus on .As for us we lost Bill on the 25th of May all I can say is tell him all you want too now and just do all you can together while you can .I am very sad but also glad that we kept him home and gave him all the love we could it was quite quick at the end and the district nurses and hospital at home were amazing .You will get through it because you are stronger than you think and if you want to send me a friend request I will always be there when you need support .Take care you will alright trust me lots of hugs Sue x

Hi Sue, firstly let me say how very sorry I am that your Bill has passed.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  I hope that his passing was peaceful for him and for you. I have nurses so many people who have died over the years and I’ve never had anyone leave this Earth kicking and screaming because I know what awaits us is a beautiful adventure.  I hope that you are finding your strength through these days, even more complicated with Covid. 
We have had a difficult and emotional week but he has one more round of chemo in two weeks, then a CT.  I know the outcome won’t be good but we are both hoping for more time (don’t we all?) . Your comment that if he didn’t have cancer, we wouldn’t be thinking about dying, has been really helpful.  It’s something I will bring up in conversation over the coming days.

i feel very alone although I have great friends and my thoughts have been ‘how am I going to look after him on my own’?  I’d forgotten about hospital at home and the DNs stupidly! I want to keep him here as long as I can with me if it’s humanly possible and would like him to be able to die with dignity, peacefully in our home. 
thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and strength with me when you must be struggling yourself.  I would like to request you as a friend but not quite sure how to at the minute! I will try to do that though if you’re sure you don’t mind?  I have an app like calm already but don’t seem to get the time to myself to get on it! 

In the meantime, please look after yourself and I will hopefully be able to ‘friend’ you ! 

Viv x 

Hi there. I just felt I wanted to reply as I understand how you feel. My husband is just 51 and has stage 4 stomach cancer, incurable. He’s about to have round 6 of chemo though has had kidney problems recently so not sure if he can have that now. I still have to work in amongst it all though so lucky that I’m able to work from home right now. Most of the time we just plan a week at a time but sometimes I get overwhelmed and Friday I cried all day. Couldn’t stop thinking about what is going to happen in the future and how sick my husband will get. He has also had a bad day today feeling emotional so today I’m being strong for him. We have his next scan soon and then results a couple of weeks after that so that’s playing on our minds. We want to hear the news but at the same time we don’t in case it’s got worse. 
All I can say is lean on people when they offer help, talk about how you feel with each other and loved ones and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. We’re still talk about the future as if we’re both gonna be here for years as that seems to work for us. Otherwise we’d probably both go mad! 
My thoughts are with all of you having to go through this. It’s an awful limbo existence with no idea of hope long you have live it.

Hi x I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s diagnosis and he is so young too.  You must be devastated. I understand that you cried all day, I’ve had many a day like that since his diagnosis and still have my moments of course.  I’m angry too, very angry.  I’ve had to retire from work in June (but I’ve been off since my hubby’s diagnosis in September) because I can’t bear being apart from him. I guess I’m angry because these years were supposed to be ‘our time’ and now, the only time we go out is for hospital visits for chemo every other week.  
We have good days and bad days and luckily he’s still self caring to a great extent. We are in the same position as you, he has one more treatment before another scan, just waiting for the appointment.  I’m terrified in case they say that there’s no more they can do for him and like you, I worry how it’s going to be in the future. How I’m going to manage when he becomes really ill. I’m dreading it for us both but want to keep him at home if I can. 
Mornings are the worst when I wake and everything comes flooding back and the nightmare begins again.  I need to try to change my mind set because these are actually still the ‘good’ days where we are still together.  I have a friend who gave me this saying:

‘Fear does not stop death. It stops Life. And worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles, It takes away today’s peace’.

its right and I try to remind myself of this to get through the day.  I hope it helps you x 

im not great with this site and keep losing my way around it!  I hope today is a good one for you both x 

Hi there 

I am the same, my husband has terminal diagnosis and I just can’t come to terms with it... I know it doesn’t help but I know exactly how you are feeling .

sending hugs x

It sounds strange but as much as you never wish this on anyone else it actually is a help to know there are other people out there going through the same thing and understand how we feel. It’s a club none of us want to join but are so glad there’s others to relate to.

Unfortunately my husband had to miss his chemo again as it’s still affecting his kidneys so not safe. Really hoping he can have it next week. Scan next week then results a few weeks after that. Dreading what they’re going to say. And like some of you have said before on here I have days when I’m almost grieving for him even though he’s with me. I feel awful when I think like that but I can’t help it sometimes.